Be Strong and Courageous and Smile

It has been a little while since I've posted anything. I've actually been fairly busy, which has been a welcome change. Of course, I've been relaxing this summer but I decided to pick up a childcare job. I wanted something extra to fill the time. There is a bit more that I need to do for this job than I thought going in, but there is something in me that desires to be with those kids. I don't know who they are yet, but I care about them already. Today, when I was sitting at a computer for hours doing the orientation stuff, there were many kids that walked by. My favorite though, were the infants sitting in this cool 6-seater stroller. They just smiled with everything in them when they went by. A smile so big they were about to burst with happiness. There is something so beautiful and pure about a child's smile. It touches me deeply. It's amazing what a smile can do.
This makes me think about myself, and others that are similar in that it is easy to smile. This time period in my life has made things a bit different sometimes, but normally, a smile is just about always on my face. This week has been one of those weeks where I am filled with joy. I am so thankful for a week like this just 4 months after my Mom passed away. I think I was made to smile. There is something so healing about receiving a smile at just the right time from the right person. When I worked at Caribou Coffee, I got many comments about how people appreciated my smiling face. Sometimes I was the first person they saw in the morning. I was never once faking it. There were times that I had annoying customers and stuff, where I had to not show my frustration, but the joy behind the smile was completely real. Makes me wonder where that joy comes from... I know it's not something I muster up.
I love that I can sit with a smile on face during a period of grieving. I think maybe I am accepting the loss a little bit more. There were so many things I was questioning... but, I am full of a certain peace right now. I've been asking God why He doesn't intervene more and why there is so much suffering in this world. I've more or less come to the conclusion that Jesus didn't die to take away suffering necessarily, but He died to bring us through it. There is a lot in this world that is left in our hands. Think about how much of suffering in this world is from someone sinning against another. Abuse, murder, lying, cheating, greed, and hate just to name a few. Makes me think that God kind of knows what He's talking about when He asks us not to do those things. This is a seriously broken world. But Jesus died to bring reconciliation and restoration to this broken world. He stands beside those who are grieving, those who are hurting... and He uses all of this suffering to build character, to help us learn and He uses it for our good and His glory. He uses us in our suffering and through it. What better person to counsel and help others who are grieving than someone who has been through it? My suffering, my broken road, can be used to help other people who are going through the same thing. I've had to grow up quickly the past few years. I'm going through things that most people do not go through until they are middle aged or a bit older.
Sometimes it blows my mind that God wants to use little 'ol me. Something I've struggled with for a long time is being important enough to be heard. I'm important. I have things to say and they're worth hearing. I am able to help people. I am a strong woman. I will make a man very happy someday. I have a lot to give. I am a wonderful catch. I'm confident no matter what I look like, no matter how many pounds I have gained through these hard times the past 4 years. I want to scream this stuff to the rooftops. I'm Angela and I matter! I'm motivated and driven. I will not give up. I am not going to left life slip by. I'm following Jesus but I'm also grabbing life by the reigns and riding off into the sunset. I have a purpose, in fact, many purposes. I am loved and I have love to give. My opinion matters. People want to spend time with me as I do with them. I am a twin, but on my own I'm just as important. I have my own passions and desires. I am His child. I am beautiful on the inside and out and I refuse to listen to anyone tell me differently.
Wow, that feels good to say those things. I had no idea how much I struggled with some of that stuff. I can feel my confidence getting higher. I've been learning so much about myself. As difficult as it has been, it has been worth every tear and hard time. I've been realizing and getting healing for things now at age 23 (almost 24) that a lot of people go a whole lifetime without addressing. The time is now. I love myself and I realize that not everyone else has to. My time as a people-pleaser is now over. I care for people but not to the detriment of my own opinion and self-respect. I will not be a floormat to be walked all over. I will speak up and not hold back because I think my opinion isn't worth saying. It is. If you do not like me because of something, well, sorry. I'm going to be me. I'm not holding back anymore. Fear will not take control of my life. I'm going to be strong and courageous and I'm going to do it with a smile. I'm completely, utterly me now.

Passionate Perseverance

It's been a little while since I've written anything. My brain and self have been all over the place. I've been wrestling with God, what I believe, the many questions I have and with myself. There has been an overarching theme through all of this though, and that has been perseverance. I can say without a doubt that in some ways I am going through the hardest time in my life. I'm learning how to be me during a time when I don't feel like me at all. My usual smiling, happy self won't be back for a little while. I am finding things in me that I didn't know were there. For instance, I sometimes have a fear that people wouldn't want to spend time with me one on one. I've had if off and on since I was young, but for some reason during this period of grieving and adjusting to living in a new place, it came back in a strong way. It's hard knowing that the people who are getting to know me in this point in my life aren't getting to know the "normal me". It's the "grieving me." But, I've come to learn that no matter what "me" I am at the time, people still care about me and want to spend time with me. It has been wonderful.

On webster.com, perseverance is defined as continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition; steadfastness. Getting through this school year with nothing less than a B, moving to a new place, losing my Mom, having internal struggles with many things through this loss... somehow I've persevered. I've been reading some of my favorite verses in Romans 5: 1-5. "1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

There are many good verses after these, but I've been holding onto these specifically. These verses were read at my Mom's funeral and I was the one to say that we should use them. My Mom is the complete definition of perseverance to me. She had one medical problem after another. She had Hodgkin's Disease in her 20s, skin cancer, three open heart surgeries, nasal surgeries, and those are only a few of the medical issues she had. I never once heard her complain. She fought through all of this stuff with everything in her. During all this, she was a Mom, a wife, a full-time worker, a friend, an aunt and everything in between. She didn't know the meaning of the word, "quit." Sometimes we'd have to tell her to sit down and relax for a little while. She was always on the go, doing something for someone. She persevered through her suffering. In mourning the loss of her, I have her to look to for an example. Perseverance is the only way I know how to live. There are some days when I don't know how I will get through, but God somehow gives me strength to do it.

Persevering through this heart wrenching time is building character and hope. Hope for what is to come, not only on this Earth, but when we go home for good. This suffering does not go to waste. While it is horrible, there can be good that comes from it. I've been struggling with why God lets certain things happen and why He doesn't intervene more. There are people who are going through much more horrible things than me. I've never been raped or abused or trafficked, but my suffering is still very real. I don't know why God places so much in our bruised and broken hands. I don't know why He lets the things go on that do. There is pain, brokenness, and sin around every corner. We live in a fallen world. I may never know why I am 23 without both of my parents, but I do know that God loves me, has a plan for this and will use it for my good. He is with me through the hurt. He has the comfort and peace that only He can give. I still put my trust in Him through all my doubts, fears and questions. I'll come out on the other side at some point. This time in my life will not last forever. Tonight there may be sorrow, but joy comes in the morning.The joy of the Lord is my strength right now.

I also feel like addressing something that I've been thinking about. If you are reading this, I want to encourage you to take risks, get out there and do the things you've always wanted to do. Pay attention to the relationships around you. Don't let the little things get to you. I have a much different perspective now that I've lost two (well, three including my niece) of the most important people in my life. Life is tremendously short. Why does money have to be more important than the people that are in your life? Why is anything more important than who you are spending your life with? Live please. Have you wanted to go back to school? Do it. Have you always wanted to live by the ocean? Move then. Let's live life with passion. Don't let each day just go by while you sit back and just let things happen. It's your life, don't let it pass you by. Do the things you've always wanted to do. Love the people you've always wanted to love. Live the life you've always wanted to live. Please join me in this. Ready? Set? Live!