I am loved. I am cherished. I am beautiful. I am unique. I am a precious child of God. I am a fiancé. I am patient. I am a coffee lover. I am an adventurer. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a counselor. I am a barista. I am full of life. I am a lover of new things. I am silly. I am willing to try new things. I am confident most of the time. I am capable. I am enough. I am the love of someone's life and he is mine. I am going to be used by God in special ways picked out specifically for me. I am willing. I am trustworthy. I am safe. I am supported by many people. I am a child of deceased parents. I am an aunt. I am thankful. I am choosing to follow God. I am a thinker. I am aware of myself and others. I am compassionate. I am an animal lover. I am a twin. I am faithful. I am important. I am worthy. I am full of joy. I am creative. I am able to see how I have grown and how I want to grow. I am honest. I am genuine. I am a struggler. I am a helper. I am on a journey and I have no idea where it is going to go. I am not perfect, but I try my best. I am the author, along with God, of my own life. I am free to be me.
I want to be new every morning. I want to love myself completely. I want to be confident all the time. I want to make more close friendships. I want to let people in more quickly. I want to love other people. I want to be closer to God. I want to have a firm theology and reasons why I believe what I believe. I want to be full of hope. I want to be a bringer of hope to others. I want to see new sights and experience new things. I want to try new foods and listen to different music. I want to make the most out of each moment I am on this Earth. I want to be closer to my friends and family. I want to make a difference. I want to learn as much as I possibly can about my husband-to-be. I want to always be myself, no matter what circumstances I am in. I want to be completely okay with people not liking me. I want to be my own person.
My identity does not come from the things I do. My identity is found in who the God of the universe created me to be. I have worth just by existing. I don't have to do anything or be anything other than who I am. I am Angela. I am a woman that matters. I am me.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Completely Changed
Change is on the horizon. I can list at least three huge changes that are happening this year. There are other smaller changes too, but the big ones are graduating with my Master's degree, starting a new counseling career, and getting married. I am sitting here in my living room, covered in my favorite brown fuzzy blanket, just wondering how I got to where I am today. A year ago, I could not even see myself graduating and I had no idea that I'd be getting married this summer. The things that I have prayed for and longed for are getting closer. The things that I could barely even imagine are coming true. I am becoming a professional counselor... that seems crazy to me sometimes. How am I, an imperfect woman, stepping into all of these amazing things? Well, I'm doing it even though it's scary sometimes, even though it can be anxiety provoking, and because it is worth it.
I like the saying I have seen on Pinterest which says something to the effect of, "You May be scared to give someone your heart because it may not work out. But, ah, what if it does?" I love that saying because it says that we shouldn't stay away from something because we are afraid. It might work out in marvelous ways. I think this is true in relationships and in doing things in life that are outside of our comfort zone. One thing I have been afraid of for a long time is being a counselor. I have questioned my abilities to do it, I have thought that I could never be as good a counselor as some of my professors, and I had a hard time seeing myself working as a counselor. Becoming a counselor has sent me through a sifter. I have taken a deep look at myself and I have been dealing with a lot of things. I have been able to change and heal with God's help and through lots of introspection. I know myself better than I ever have before. I notice how I feel and what I'm thinking in certain situations. I notice if I am falling into the people-pleasing trap. I know what some of my distorted core beliefs are and I know that when I'm feeling depressed there are specific things I need to say to myself. I have learned how to love myself.
It is hard to believe that there are only two days left of my graduate school experience. It has taken blood, sweat, and lots of tears to get where I am today. Yesterday, when I was sitting at a desk where I answer phones and do other odds and ends, a girl came in to interview for the counseling program. I showed her where she needed to go and when I got back to my chair, I thought to myself, "That was me three years ago." I remember being timid, not very confident, and I did not have a strong sense of who I was. I did not know how to incorporate boundaries into my life, I did not have a strong theology, and I tended to meld into being like other people. I had some defining characteristics, but the Angela back then tended to be whatever the people around her were at the time. The Angela back then held a lot back for fear of what others would think. The Angela back then did not take the time to really look at herself. The Angela back then had no idea what was in store for her in the upcoming three years.
The Angela today is not afraid to be who she is. Today, I have a much stronger sense of who I am. I have lots of likes, dislikes, hobbies, beliefs, and many other things that make up who I am. These things do not change depending on who I am around. I have much more solid sense of who I am, even though I still struggle sometimes with being confident in myself. I have realized that I have tended to think of myself as less important than other people. I now know how untrue that is. I have realized that there is a lie that I have told myself as long as I can remember which is that I cannot do it. I've thought that I couldn't be a good counselor, a wife, and many other things. The truth that has set me free is that I CAN DO IT! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am unique and I am able! There is no one like me, not even my twin. I am an important individual and I love myself. I used to compare myself to other people and want to be like them. Now, there is no other life that I would want to live other than mine. There are times when I don't want to watch TV shows because my life is too good to leave even for 45 minutes. I love my life!
Many changes have happened and there are certainly more to come. I'm really glad I'm learning a lot of this stuff at the age of 25. I've worked with clients who still don't know who they are at the age of 65. It's interesting that I'm focusing so much on the good things that have happened in the past three years because these have been the hardest years of my life. They have been the best in some ways and the worst. I lost my Mom but I have gained wisdom and the desire to fully live. I have hurt a lot and I have also felt joy so intensely that squeals have reverberated from my heart, through my chest and into my arms and legs. I have struggled with fear, anxiety, and depression and I have also met the man that I am going to marry. I have struggled with money and made some poor decisions but I've never had an unpaid bill. I lost my parents but I found a new family that I'm marrying into that has taken me in as their own. I am now the healthiest I have ever been emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm stepping into a new phase of life and the changing will continue. In general, I love change. I can't even use the same scent of body wash twice in a row because I need a change.
Change means, "The act or instance of making or becoming different." I am completely different now that I was before. I am a new woman, a new creation, a new Angela. I am stepping into new territory, and I'm not doing it alone. The journey continues from this day forward. I will never stop learning, changing, and growing. I have this one life to live and I am going to soak it up until there is not even one drop left. I'm going to take everything I've learned and start my marriage out in a healthy and God honoring way. I'm going to dedicate my life to loving my friends and family and I am going to be fully me. Life, bring on the change and we'll see where it takes me.
I like the saying I have seen on Pinterest which says something to the effect of, "You May be scared to give someone your heart because it may not work out. But, ah, what if it does?" I love that saying because it says that we shouldn't stay away from something because we are afraid. It might work out in marvelous ways. I think this is true in relationships and in doing things in life that are outside of our comfort zone. One thing I have been afraid of for a long time is being a counselor. I have questioned my abilities to do it, I have thought that I could never be as good a counselor as some of my professors, and I had a hard time seeing myself working as a counselor. Becoming a counselor has sent me through a sifter. I have taken a deep look at myself and I have been dealing with a lot of things. I have been able to change and heal with God's help and through lots of introspection. I know myself better than I ever have before. I notice how I feel and what I'm thinking in certain situations. I notice if I am falling into the people-pleasing trap. I know what some of my distorted core beliefs are and I know that when I'm feeling depressed there are specific things I need to say to myself. I have learned how to love myself.
It is hard to believe that there are only two days left of my graduate school experience. It has taken blood, sweat, and lots of tears to get where I am today. Yesterday, when I was sitting at a desk where I answer phones and do other odds and ends, a girl came in to interview for the counseling program. I showed her where she needed to go and when I got back to my chair, I thought to myself, "That was me three years ago." I remember being timid, not very confident, and I did not have a strong sense of who I was. I did not know how to incorporate boundaries into my life, I did not have a strong theology, and I tended to meld into being like other people. I had some defining characteristics, but the Angela back then tended to be whatever the people around her were at the time. The Angela back then held a lot back for fear of what others would think. The Angela back then did not take the time to really look at herself. The Angela back then had no idea what was in store for her in the upcoming three years.
The Angela today is not afraid to be who she is. Today, I have a much stronger sense of who I am. I have lots of likes, dislikes, hobbies, beliefs, and many other things that make up who I am. These things do not change depending on who I am around. I have much more solid sense of who I am, even though I still struggle sometimes with being confident in myself. I have realized that I have tended to think of myself as less important than other people. I now know how untrue that is. I have realized that there is a lie that I have told myself as long as I can remember which is that I cannot do it. I've thought that I couldn't be a good counselor, a wife, and many other things. The truth that has set me free is that I CAN DO IT! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am unique and I am able! There is no one like me, not even my twin. I am an important individual and I love myself. I used to compare myself to other people and want to be like them. Now, there is no other life that I would want to live other than mine. There are times when I don't want to watch TV shows because my life is too good to leave even for 45 minutes. I love my life!
Many changes have happened and there are certainly more to come. I'm really glad I'm learning a lot of this stuff at the age of 25. I've worked with clients who still don't know who they are at the age of 65. It's interesting that I'm focusing so much on the good things that have happened in the past three years because these have been the hardest years of my life. They have been the best in some ways and the worst. I lost my Mom but I have gained wisdom and the desire to fully live. I have hurt a lot and I have also felt joy so intensely that squeals have reverberated from my heart, through my chest and into my arms and legs. I have struggled with fear, anxiety, and depression and I have also met the man that I am going to marry. I have struggled with money and made some poor decisions but I've never had an unpaid bill. I lost my parents but I found a new family that I'm marrying into that has taken me in as their own. I am now the healthiest I have ever been emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm stepping into a new phase of life and the changing will continue. In general, I love change. I can't even use the same scent of body wash twice in a row because I need a change.
Change means, "The act or instance of making or becoming different." I am completely different now that I was before. I am a new woman, a new creation, a new Angela. I am stepping into new territory, and I'm not doing it alone. The journey continues from this day forward. I will never stop learning, changing, and growing. I have this one life to live and I am going to soak it up until there is not even one drop left. I'm going to take everything I've learned and start my marriage out in a healthy and God honoring way. I'm going to dedicate my life to loving my friends and family and I am going to be fully me. Life, bring on the change and we'll see where it takes me.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Pouring Out Myself
My heart overflows with emotion that has been hidden for years.
Thoughts and feelings escape from a place that has been longing to appear.
The place that is kept safe deep down inside.
The place that is difficult to get to, a place where pieces of me go to hide.
My thoughts, feelings, past mistakes, and insecurities fill this space.
I don't let anyone or anything touch it, not even God's grace.
My insides yearn to come out and express themselves in every single way.
They build up again and again when I fear what other people will think of the things I say.
I grew up thinking that I was not important and that I would not find a godly man.
I never thought it would happen until the day he took my hand.
That was the day this part of me began to slowly open.
This was when I was drowning in grief and I felt completely broken.
I thought all parts of me were taken away when my loved ones died.
I spent days and nights wanting them back and I felt empty as I cried.
I did not know that there was something in me that was changing.
There were bits of my heart that I did not know at the time were rearranging.
I questioned God and what choices in my life that I had made.
I yelled and sobbed and spent much of my time being afraid.
I wondered if God had left me and not heard anything I said.
I talked to him and heard no response as at night I laid in bed.
The people around me never stopped listening and loving me through this time of loss.
When lies creeped in my mind, my man helped me tell the enemy who was boss.
Months went by and seasons changed and my grief was not so bad.
I was learning how to live my life without a Mom and a Dad.
One day I cried out to God to ask him if he had left,
He said to me that I could not see him because it was on his shoulder that I had wept.
Instead of leaving me, this was the closest he had ever been,
He said he'd never leave me or forsake me and in the end, He is the one who will win.
I had taken another step towards becoming healthier in my mind, body, and soul.
I could feel those parts in my heart stitching up to make me whole.
Two years down the line with a ring on my finger and graduation drawing near,
I am learning I can face anything and there is no reason to fear.
The deepest parts of me are no longer locked up inside.
I am consciously noticing what is going on in me and in my thoughts and feelings I take pride.
I know I am important and that God loves me so much,
I can walk around now without needing any type of crutch.
I am stronger than I have ever been and I'm excited to be me.
I am opening my heart and mind and I'm learning to be free.
I refuse to be afraid to be me, I will stand up and speak my mind.
I don't know what will happen or what exactly I will find.
I am becoming the best version of me that I know how to be,
I am speaking my mind, I know who I am, and I want all of you to see.
There is no reason to fear or hold back the parts I want to share,
The things I used to keep inside and when it came to sharing them, I would not dare.
Graduating, getting a new job and getting married are a few things I will do,
Pretty soon I will get to have something borrowed, new, and blue.
It is my turn this time, I believe I am important and by this point I hope you can tell,
that I am looking forward to being me with my man and becoming Angela Crundwell.
This is a journey of pain that I have walked with my family and friends,
it feels wonderful to finally be stepping out of the depths of grief and be on the mend.
I have learned so much about what it is to hurt, be scared, and want to run,
Now things are different and I can see hope in the morning sun.
I have learned that I can always ask, "How is this my lot?"
Or, I can focus on the things around me and focus on what I've got.
God never promises that things will not be hard and always be fair,
But He does promise that He will be there and that He will care.
I am Angela, a woman who has immeasurable worth and is dearly loved,
I will be me, with all my gifts and talents until He calls down from above.
When it is time to go, I want to be able to say,
I never stopped being myself or living for today.
Thoughts and feelings escape from a place that has been longing to appear.
The place that is kept safe deep down inside.
The place that is difficult to get to, a place where pieces of me go to hide.
My thoughts, feelings, past mistakes, and insecurities fill this space.
I don't let anyone or anything touch it, not even God's grace.
My insides yearn to come out and express themselves in every single way.
They build up again and again when I fear what other people will think of the things I say.
I grew up thinking that I was not important and that I would not find a godly man.
I never thought it would happen until the day he took my hand.
That was the day this part of me began to slowly open.
This was when I was drowning in grief and I felt completely broken.
I thought all parts of me were taken away when my loved ones died.
I spent days and nights wanting them back and I felt empty as I cried.
I did not know that there was something in me that was changing.
There were bits of my heart that I did not know at the time were rearranging.
I questioned God and what choices in my life that I had made.
I yelled and sobbed and spent much of my time being afraid.
I wondered if God had left me and not heard anything I said.
I talked to him and heard no response as at night I laid in bed.
The people around me never stopped listening and loving me through this time of loss.
When lies creeped in my mind, my man helped me tell the enemy who was boss.
Months went by and seasons changed and my grief was not so bad.
I was learning how to live my life without a Mom and a Dad.
One day I cried out to God to ask him if he had left,
He said to me that I could not see him because it was on his shoulder that I had wept.
Instead of leaving me, this was the closest he had ever been,
He said he'd never leave me or forsake me and in the end, He is the one who will win.
I had taken another step towards becoming healthier in my mind, body, and soul.
I could feel those parts in my heart stitching up to make me whole.
Two years down the line with a ring on my finger and graduation drawing near,
I am learning I can face anything and there is no reason to fear.
The deepest parts of me are no longer locked up inside.
I am consciously noticing what is going on in me and in my thoughts and feelings I take pride.
I know I am important and that God loves me so much,
I can walk around now without needing any type of crutch.
I am stronger than I have ever been and I'm excited to be me.
I am opening my heart and mind and I'm learning to be free.
I refuse to be afraid to be me, I will stand up and speak my mind.
I don't know what will happen or what exactly I will find.
I am becoming the best version of me that I know how to be,
I am speaking my mind, I know who I am, and I want all of you to see.
There is no reason to fear or hold back the parts I want to share,
The things I used to keep inside and when it came to sharing them, I would not dare.
Graduating, getting a new job and getting married are a few things I will do,
Pretty soon I will get to have something borrowed, new, and blue.
It is my turn this time, I believe I am important and by this point I hope you can tell,
that I am looking forward to being me with my man and becoming Angela Crundwell.
This is a journey of pain that I have walked with my family and friends,
it feels wonderful to finally be stepping out of the depths of grief and be on the mend.
I have learned so much about what it is to hurt, be scared, and want to run,
Now things are different and I can see hope in the morning sun.
I have learned that I can always ask, "How is this my lot?"
Or, I can focus on the things around me and focus on what I've got.
God never promises that things will not be hard and always be fair,
But He does promise that He will be there and that He will care.
I am Angela, a woman who has immeasurable worth and is dearly loved,
I will be me, with all my gifts and talents until He calls down from above.
When it is time to go, I want to be able to say,
I never stopped being myself or living for today.
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