Blessings Are Here

My heart cannot believe the amount of grace that has been given to me

The joy that bubbles up inside

The blessings that overflow

The peace that helps me take it all in nice and slow

As I sit in my room I am reminded

of all the things I have and the people who love me as I love them

I have clothing in my closet, jewelry and makeup on my dresser

I have running water and food in my kitchen

I have heat and blankets and a bed

I have a place I can call my own, my sanctuary, a place to lay my head

I am studying to get my masters degree as a young woman at a seminary

Things could be much different if I was born at a different time

I can drive, vote, be a leader and do the things I want to do

There are still problems now, but I do not see them as much

I am so busy with reading, studying, living and such

As a counselor, I want to help those hurting souls

Who have no where to turn and no one to talk to

People who are afraid they are crazy and are unsure where to go

Looking to hear someone say, you are not alone

A safe place with love and acceptance

With hope for those of God's children and care for those

Who are dealt a hand in life that is not fair

Sometimes it is their own doing and sometimes it is not,

But in this fallen world, we have to deal with what is our lot

It is not easy, it can take a lot of time

It is hard to know where to start or how to get there

But it is a process that is done together, it is shared

The counselor and the client working towards a goal

To help with the pain and bringing healing to their soul

I am honored to help the people who come to see me

I am blessed beyond belief to have what I do

Although I have had hardships and losses, I have seen a few

There is good in my life that I want to share

With God as my Savior, I have riches that with nothing else can they ever compare

So I am a woman trying to figure out this thing called living

With bruises, hurts, joy and love

With everything in me, I am called to giving

Giving my heart, my care, my knowledge I've learned

That none of the grace or blessings I've received could ever be earned

My God gives graciously to those who follow Him

We may not get what we want or ask for

But He is the one who knows what is best

In this promise, I can surely rest

I may not know why things happen the way they do

Why people die, sickness is rampant and people are hurt

Why people are homeless and hungry, and they don't have so much as a shirt

God, this life is unfair for in Eden we no longer exist

All I can do is trust and know that He is in our midst

She is Mine

I shift from the right to the left

I look, I fear, I desire

Is anybody there?

My heart has had this question for 24 years

If they knew me, would they leave?

If they knew that I don't have it all together,

would they accept the pieces that I've tried so hard to hide?

The decisions, anxiety, questions and thoughts

Am I alone in all these times I have cried?

All things at once swirling in my mind

The uncertainty, the desire to be known and loved

The desire to be worth it all

Will this ever happen?

She has looked in the wrong places and her search continues on

Is she pretty, do they like her, is she enough?

She is more than her past, present or future

This woman is worth much more than gold

Nothing has more worth than her, not even rubies

From the beginning of time, she was created in the image of the Holy one

Forgiven and blessed by God's only son

Not a day goes by where she is not a thought

For her soul, body and life, He has always fought

Day and night, hearing her heart's very beat

Next to His mighty throne, she always has a seat

She wonders how such a God could love her so

With the mistakes and sins she's made

He continues to say, "Be not afraid."

He is here to bring peace, joy and love

There is not a time where He is not looking down on her from above

She feels tainted and bruised beyond repair

His healing powers never pay attention to what is fair

He loves her and pursues her until her last breath

Saying my bride, I love you, please wear this white dress

In this Together

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be in a relationship. I have not had much experience doing this the right way. I've allowed myself to be used and I've used men for all the wrong reasons. Through the pain and brokenness, my heart was searching for something real and lovely. My heart was longing for someone to see me. For someone to see past the things I do to make it seem like everything is okay all the time. To accept me even when I make mistakes, when I'm not happy all the time and to be okay just sitting with me in silence. I want to be okay just sitting in silence as well. Just the two of us with no music, no movies, and no distractions. Just two people, two hearts, vulnerable and open to the other. A safe place where I can just be still in his arms, not feel pressure to wear make up and I can wear pajamas because he's not with me just because of how I look. He's with me because of my heart, mind, and soul. I am with him for the same reasons.

My brother used to ask me why I wasn't dating anyone. I responded with saying that it's not for lack of men, it's for a lack of good men. Men asked me out with a myriad of motives and I was with some of them for multiple reasons as well. I did not know how to be in a healthy, God-honoring relationship. To be honest, I'm still figuring out exactly how to be in healthy relationships with friends and family. Relationships are not easy things to maneuver. They take lots of work from both parties. They take time, energy and emotions. The thing is though, they are completely worth it. We need each other in this life. Sometimes you may need to make decisions about which friendships that you will give energy to at which point in your life, but they are so important. Life is not meant to be lived alone my friends. I'm not talking about romantic relationships here even though those are great, I'm talking about having people around you that love you for you. You and me, we deserve wonderful relationships. Not because we are so amazing, but because God desires to give us community. He made us to be in community with one another. What is life if there is no one to share it with? No one to see you or hear you, or give you a hug when you need it. We all desire to be known to the core of who we are. Jesus knows us that way, but we need people in the flesh to know us that way too.

All of that is to say that I came up with some ideas of what it could look like to experience God's best in a Christian relationship. I recently entered into a relationship and it's scary as all get out. I'm learning about new parts of me, how to be a girlfriend and how to be me in the midst of it all. Sometimes I feel anxiety while figuring this out. I have realized that I'm not in any hurry although I feel like I was living that way before. There is such a pressure to get married at this point in time and I deeply desire to get married one day. I have no desire to do that before the time and person are right. All I can do is take one step at a time as God lights the way just enough for me to be able to see a few inches in front of me. I jumped in head first and I'm figuring this out, well we're figuring it out together. That's the key, this is done together. In hardships and heart warming times, we are together. Here are the bits about experiencing God's best in a relationship. You're worth someone who sees you as having immense worth. Don't forget how important you are. Don't give up hope. You're worth it.

- Finding someone who will love me for me, not just for the physical pleasure I can provide or for some other specific trait and vice versa.

- My significant other does not just see my past and mistakes, but sees what God is doing in me and what could be. We have the hope of Christ in each other. I see him for all he is, the good and the bad and he does the same for me.

- Someone who cares about me no matter how I am feeling, whether that is sad, anxious, or happy. He wants to be with me whether or not I have something to say. We are not responsible for each -others happiness although that is wonderful when we make each other happy. I am not there to keep him entertained and he is not there to keep me entertained. I am there to share life with him as he does with me.

- Someone who shows Jesus’ love to me through them. They also encourage me to follow Jesus as I do the same for them.

- Neither of us has to give up complete parts of ourselves to be with the other. There is sacrifice and negotiation, but we are each still two separate people that are coming together in a relationship.

- We spend time together and work on our togetherness, whether that is cuddling, going out with friends or going to some sporting event. We also spend time apart with friends or by ourselves. We need to have time to ourselves.

- We are both uncertain of the future, but are willing to jump into the unknown together. We are willing to leave behind the safety of singleness as we become a team that is together to follow Christ and to care for one another. We try to stay focused on the here and now instead of what may happen in the future. We can only be in the moment together because God does not ensure us that there will be another one.

- We are both willing and working towards purity in our physical relationship. We accept that we are not perfect, but we are learning how to practice self-control, how to honor each other’s desires and how to honor God in this area of our lives and relationship.

- We support each other in our hobbies, interests and decisions. We discuss them and may not always agree, but we have the best interest of the other person in mind.

- We do not exist for each other, we exist for Christ. It is an honor to get to share our lives together.

- We share our thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams with each other. There needs to be open communication.

- We are able to resolve conflict in a healthy way, as well as tell each other when something is bothering us so we can work through it.

- Our relationship is not a sprint towards the finish. It is taking one small step at a time. We deal with everything as it comes and we move forward. Sometimes we have to stay in one area for a little while but the focus is onward and upward. There is no hurry for anything.

- Marriage is not the ultimate goal necessarily, honoring God and each other are. No matter what happens, we learned, made memories and honored God as well as each other. If things do not work out, this was still a wonderful, healing experience. If the relationship works towards marriage, then that is wonderful as well.

- We are sharing life together on this journey that God has called us on. There will be bumps; there will be times that it is as smooth as vanilla ice cream and times that are crazy. This is a divine adventure that we get to partake in. We will make mistakes, we will do amazing things together and there will be all sorts of in between. It might be messy sometimes, we may need to put up boundaries in different areas and we may need to do all sorts of things. This sounds like a lot of work, but if the person you’re with is the right one, it is all worth it.

- There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. We are two imperfect people coming together to make something that is beautiful with the one who is perfect, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Sweet Wonder

My heart goes ba bump, ba bump

It sings with grace

In the waters unknown

There is something to be said

How have I not known this wonder before?

How have I not seen this joy?

How have I not been blessed with this radiance before?

I have missed out

With each thankful breath I know

With each stride I move in the right direction

Inside my sometimes fragile shell

I sigh and think to myself, it is well

The time has come to let the leader lead the way

I hold on tight for I have no idea where this train shall go

It is a new territory that is covered with questions and a sweet breeze

But it is wonderful knowing I'm called here, it makes me feel at ease

I'm jumping in with fear and peace at my side

I'm taking a leap of faith for God's plan for me is great

I take a chance and go into the abyss of the unknown

For it is the Father who guides me and loves me until the day that I go home

Am I Worth It?

I've been wrestling this week. I've been wrestling with God and myself... my thoughts, assumptions and core beliefs. I've been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself because I've been wracked with anxiety while seeing clients. I wrote down all my automatic thoughts which included, "I'll be a failure if I mess up," "My clients won't like me and they'll find me incompetent," and "Everyone will think I'm not worthwhile or competent." I had this terrible fear of messing up. I put enormous pressure on myself to get things right. I was being very careful with my clients, which is good to a point, but I need to be bold and be able to be assertive. I realized how much power I give to others when feeling worthwhile or not. I am a recovering people-pleaser. I thought if I went along with other people thought, they'd like me. I tried so hard to not offend people. I put what other people think very high on a pedestal. What other people think has been what defined me and gave me my worth. If I offended someone or was too assertive with them, I thought I would be not worthwhile anymore if they did not like me. I put everything on what other people think which can create a huge amount of fear in counseling and in my relationships in general. Today is the day that my worth is no longer in other people's hands and not even in mine, it is in His.

There are some things that I have believed about my worth since my parents passed away. I have felt that maybe I was not worth having parents alive for longer than my 24 years. I prayed for healing briefly, but I did not feel like I was worth enough for God to hear my prayers. I have struggled with my worth for years, but I did not know it until recently. I didn't specifically say in my mind, "I'm not worthwhile," but I had many other fears going on in my mind. If I do this or that, people won't like me and they'll leave. If I say this, they'll think I'm stupid and won't want to spend time with me. They won't think I'm worthwhile. I put so much emphasis on my actions towards others and others actions towards me to define me and tell me how much I am worth. In the book I read for my Diagnosis of Mood and Anxiety Disorders called, "Feeling Good," by David Burns, it says that if you are born into this world you have worth. Much of our anxiety and depression comes from all the negative thoughts that go on in our minds about how much we are worth. It is so true. Just being born in this world automatically gives us worth, but our culture says otherwise. It is difficult to believe because people do not react like that. But I refuse to let my worth depend on what other people think or say. Even if a client tells me that they think I'm incompetent or not worthwhile to give them help, that will not shatter me because what I think about myself and my worth, does not depend on them.

Wow, I've struggled with this idea for years. I let other people tell me how important, or not, that I was. I write about this idea of worth a lot in my blogs because it is something that is so difficult to change. Since I've believed for so long that I'm not worthwhile, it's hard to believe it now. I drew a picture and posted it in my room. It says, "My worth is not dependent on what others do or say, or what I do or say, it is constant." It cannot be taken away from me even from my own actions. This even applies to thinking about what guys would be interested in dating me. I've had a hard time thinking that a strong Christian, wonderful man would want to date me for multiple reasons. Some involving how I look... which no one has a say in either. I choose to look at myself as a canvas and I can decorate myself however I want.

All of this to say, I am not going to let other people tell me who I am or how I should be. That decision is not theirs to make. My worth is secure. God made me who I am. I am not my twin sister, my friends or anyone else, I am me. He called me to this field of counseling and even through my fear of falling flat on my face, I am doing this. I've made it this far, I can't imagine God would let me fall on my face. I know what I said about God letting my parents die because I'm not important is not true, but I'm still angry with God. It's going to take a while for me to be able to freely come to Him. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have a lot of stuff to work through during this time. I feel better tonight, but I know that I will need reassurance of my worth again and again. That's one reason I wanted to write this blog, so I can go back and look at it when I'm feeling anxious again. I know I can do this. I know my Mom would tell me that I can do this. I am going to take one moment at a time. That's all I can handle right now. I need to have more weekends like this where I can watch Netflix and draw and just lounge on the couch. It has been wonderful in the midst of the busiest time of my life.

Here I go... walk with me through this, I ask you. I am going to be a professional helper, but I need help too. I've realized how I have been going through a lot of this alone this week. No more being alone all the time. I'm facing my fears with God and the people around me. I'm worthwhile and so are you. No one has a vote in that. We are innately full of worth as people. I am going to be a competent professional counselor. Yeah, me a professional... that's a new thought, but it's going to happen! I'm not going anywhere but forward from here.

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I can barely lift up my arms. Each time I think about them my head and stomach ache in a way that takes my breathe away. I wish I could sleep for a long time. I wish that I could sleep until the grief passes and then wake up with it gone. I have never felt something that scoops in until it reaches my soul and then it takes everything with it. If I were a well, it would be completely dry. I have been running full speed ahead and I'm panting because I haven't sat down long enough to rest. I desire more than anything to help people, but I'm empty. I don't feel like I have much of anything to give right now. Questions have been running through my mind: Can I do this? Am I ready and competent enough to do this? Do I have what it takes to help people? Am I worth people spending time and energy on me to help me be a counselor? What if I really mess up? What if people think I'm not good at it? Or that I'm a failure? If I mess up... I have to face those mistakes in the people I am trying to help. Messing up when it comes to people is different than messing up when doing a homework assignment. I have put so much pressure on myself, that in itself could wear me out without all these other things...

I wrote that yesterday during one of the biggest grief explosions I have ever faced. I took today off from life and have basically been sitting on my couch all day, snuggled under a blanket in the corner. Today I did not do much thinking. I relaxed, watched some Netflix and just recently had a long conversation with my roommate about many things. There are so many things going on in my mind that I figured it wouldn't hurt to write them down. One of the biggest things I'm working on is figuring out what I am afraid of while in the counseling room. I have some insecurities that come in there with me and I'm trying to figure out what they are, possibly where they came from and how I can work on them. I struggle with feeling like I should have something to say. I think that other people could handle certain things better than I could. I would like more complicated clients to see people who have more experience, who know what they're doing. I have a hard time seeing myself as someone who people can come to for help. I am unsure of what I have to offer because sometimes I feel like I don't have much at all.

Stepping into my calling of counseling has been one of the most difficult things I have done so far in my life, especially while struggling with grief. It's easy for me to see the strengths and gifts in other people, but it is much more difficult in myself. Something Dr. Wardle said this week was that, "There are three things in life that no one has a vote on. They are your identity, your worth and your calling." I have realized that I let other people vote on all of those things. My worth is very much found in what other people think of me. Just this week, when I was crying all over the place, I had to see my supervisor so I went even though I was a mess. I saw a few friends and talked to them, but I never would have if I did not have an appointment scheduled. Those friends saw me at my worst. I do not like for people to see me like that, but they did and they accepted me with open arms. People do not get rid of me when I'm not happy. The not as fun parts of me were exposed and they weren't rejected. I think part of why I have a difficult time being around friends for extended periods of time are that I don't know what will happen if certain parts of me are revealed. I place a lot of emphasis on what people think and I want to change that.
I am going to do my best in the counseling office and I am going to be in there and everywhere. I do not want to wear a mask of happiness when I don't feel that way. My smile is legit about 95% of the time, but there is a small amount of time that I smile because I don't want to show how I'm really feeling. I am learning what it is to be me. What it means to feel all sorts of emotions around different people, to be bold and state my opinion and be able to confront someone if they are bothering me. I don't know if we ever completely know who we are, but I would like to be more secure in who I am so far. I've come a long way but there is still much more distance to be traveled in that area. Why am I so afraid of people not liking me? Why am I afraid of my clients' reactions to the things I say or do? What would happen if someone didn't like me? What would happen if I did offend someone?
There are so many questions in my mind right now. I have so much learning to do about myself. This is so difficult, but I believe it is worth it to go through these struggles. I am becoming a counselor. I am finding my identity in Him. I am trying to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am facing my insecurities and fears as I spend time with people. People really mean everything to me. Nothing else in life means anything if it is not for the people in it. You can have nice things, a good job, a big house and a fancy car, but if you don't have people who love you and who you love as well, it doesn't mean anything. Things don't keep you warm at night, they don't offer a loving embrace when you're hurting or crack a joke when you do something silly. Things don't stand by you when you're going through the most difficult time in life that you've ever faced. Things don't smile at you just because. People do. We are made for each other in this life. Hopefully this blog isn't jumping all over the place. Well, actually, if it does and that bothers you then too bad. I wrote it and it doesn't really matter what you think because my worth and identity don't come from you. I refuse to put that power into your hands, only in His :)

My Running Thoughts

I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. I've been thinking about so many different things lately. This summer has changed me in a lot of ways. God has been working on me a lot. There are things from my past that hurt me a lot and I didn't even know it. There are things that I have told myself in certain situations in the past that are lies. For example, I was a leader of my youth group after I graduated from high school. I liked all the other leaders, but there were a few guys that did not talk to me. I tried talking to them sometimes but they never really talked to me. It frustrated me a lot and I assumed they didn't like me. I felt quite uncomfortable as one of the leaders and I eventually left. I had not thought much about this situation until about a week ago when I was having some problems getting to know people where I live now. There were a few people that didn't talk to me very much and it hit upon an old, but very real wound. I was hurt more deeply than I knew.
There were things that I told myself after this incident. I wondered why they didn't talk to me. I wondered what is wrong with me. Was there something about me that they didn't like so they just decided to not talk to me? I had all these questions and doubts about myself. I thought something was wrong with me. The thoughts and feelings I had as an 18 year old girl were brought back to mind when I was dealing with people who were not talking to me even when I made efforts to talk to them. I was talking about this with my roommate one morning and it brought me to tears. I had no idea how deep this went. She said, "Angela, there is nothing wrong with you." It brought me to the realization that I was carrying that around with me for all these years. Healing was already beginning to happen.
The more I thought and prayed about that past hurt and what was currently going on as I am becoming part of a new community in Ashland, I began to think about why these people may have a hard time having a friendship. Maybe they have been hurt in the past and were acting out of their own brokenness. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with me, personally. I had not thought about their side of things, I just assumed it was because of me. It's not. The people around me that I'm trying to meet and get to know have been tremendously hurt in relationships too. If I'm going through lots of rearranging, adding and taking away and healing while in seminary, other people must be too. It's hard to be in relationships while lots of other stuff is going on. You'd think the community would have arms open wide and be easy to get into, but it's not. It takes lots of work and time. It's hard to get into community in any new place. I'm determined to be friends with people even if they are going through hard times and aren't talking to me a lot. I'm going to spend time with them and be their friend until that brokenness stops keeping us apart. Maybe God wants to use me to help heal some wounds that came about from past friendships. I'm not going anywhere. I'm pushing through this hard time because these people are worth it and I am too.
So, I'm not working at the childcare anymore. After a week, I was feeling stressed and down. I thought that it would be great to be around kids and have more of a schedule, but it actually had the opposite effect on me. I said goodbye to that job and I felt free afterwards. I love kids, but I just don't have it in me right now to take care of them. There are times that taking care of myself is all I can focus on. Instead of working, I'm enjoying my summer a lot! I'm taking classes, I went to the Sara Bareilles concert tonight, I'm going to the beach next week, and I'm also celebrating my birthday this week. I'm trying to run to get ready for a half-marathon in October but I'm not sure that I'll be able to do it. My motivation comes and goes in dramatic waves. Some weeks I run 4 times or so and some weeks, maybe once or twice. I want to workout on a more consistent basis. I'm tired of having this extra weight. I'm learning to be happy with myself no matter what and I am, but I don't want to be overweight. I'm trying to figure out what to do about that.
I've also been thinking a lot about this upcoming school year. I was looking at some of the syllabi for my classes and I can tell that I'm going to be busy. They certainly seem like good classes but I will be doing lots of work. I'm looking forward to everything but I'm scared as well. Let's see... I've been thinking about guys lately too. There was a point this past week that I was kind of interested in 3 guys at once. Talk about confusing! I never know what to do in that area of my life. I've been trying to let God take over and be patient, but when I'm interested in someone and nothing happens for a long time, my patience wears down a lot. I want to take matters into my own hands, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. Rejection is scary! I've asked guys out before and I would probably only ask someone out to coffee at this point, but my confidence is that area has taken a beating. I have no idea who is interested. I don't know whether or not that guy(s) I am interested in feel the same way. I tend overanalyze things and get really impatient. How do I let God take control of this? What do I do when I'm interested in a guy and want him to pursue me but nothing is happening? Maybe he has no idea I'm interested. I would prefer not to ask guys out but I would if it comes down to it. I don't know what it means to let God take over, what do I do then? I have friends who are all for asking guys out and friends who think a guy should only do the pursuing. I have mixed feelings and I'm not sure what to do, if anything.
One thing I have been learning is to be me, no matter what that is at the time. I am not going to change for a guy. I am also not going to settle and I don't want the guy to either. I don't want to have too high of expectations but I'm still going to have high standards. I generally have no idea what type of guys are interested in me. There are times in the past where I was completely surprised that certain guys were interested in me because for whatever reason I assumed they wouldn't be. I really have no idea what guys are thinking. I always feel like I'm pretty darn obvious when I'm attracted to someone but who knows. I do know that there are times that I would really like to have a boyfriend and there are times I love being single. I'm waiting for the man who is right for me and will sweep me off my feet. I know there is someone out there who will. I'm not going to date someone just to have a boyfriend. I'd probably feel lonelier dating someone I didn't completely like than while being single. One of my cousins told me that she met her husband when she was 24. I pray that this is the year. I want to meet/find him. Or better yet, I want him to find me and pursue me completely.
I know there is nothing wrong with me. I have been hurt and so have other people, but I want to be with them through it all. I know I have a lot to learn as a friend and girlfriend, but I'm more than willing to learn. I know I am worth being pursued. There are many guys I'm interested in that aren't out of my league. I have no idea what "my league" even is, but I know I'm pretty awesome. I'm under construction, but there sure are some beautiful parts. There are some messy, broken parts but I'm a work in progess. I'm ready to keep on keeping on. I will run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Sometimes I get out of breathe easily, but I'm not giving up. I will never back down. I will stand for you and for me and for Him until I reach the finish line.