Pouring Out Myself

My heart overflows with emotion that has been hidden for years.
Thoughts and feelings escape from a place that has been longing to appear.
The place that is kept safe deep down inside.
The place that is difficult to get to, a place where pieces of me go to hide.

My thoughts, feelings, past mistakes, and insecurities fill this space.
I don't let anyone or anything touch it, not even God's grace.
My insides yearn to come out and express themselves in every single way.
They build up again and again when I fear what other people will think of the things I say.

I grew up thinking that I was not important and that I would not find a godly man.
I never thought it would happen until the day he took my hand.
That was the day this part of me began to slowly open.
This was when I was drowning in grief and I felt completely broken.

I thought all parts of me were taken away when my loved ones died.
I spent days and nights wanting them back and I felt empty as I cried.
I did not know that there was something in me that was changing.
There were bits of my heart that I did not know at the time were rearranging.

I questioned God and what choices in my life that I had made.
I yelled and sobbed and spent much of my time being afraid.
I wondered if God had left me and not heard anything I said.
I talked to him and heard no response as at night I laid in bed.

The people around me never stopped listening and loving me through this time of loss.
When lies creeped in my mind, my man helped me tell the enemy who was boss.
Months went by and seasons changed and my grief was not so bad.
I was learning how to live my life without a Mom and a Dad.

One day I cried out to God to ask him if he had left,
He said to me that I could not see him because it was on his shoulder that I had wept.
Instead of leaving me, this was the closest he had ever been,
He said he'd never leave me or forsake me and in the end, He is the one who will win.

I had taken another step towards becoming healthier in my mind, body, and soul.
I could feel those parts in my heart stitching up to make me whole.
Two years down the line with a ring on my finger and graduation drawing near,
I am learning I can face anything and there is no reason to fear.

The deepest parts of me are no longer locked up inside.
I am consciously noticing what is going on in me and in my thoughts and feelings I take pride.
I know I am important and that God loves me so much,
I can walk around now without needing any type of crutch.

I am stronger than I have ever been and I'm excited to be me.
I am opening my heart and mind and I'm learning to be free.
I refuse to be afraid to be me, I will stand up and speak my mind.
I don't know what will happen or what exactly I will find.

I am becoming the best version of me that I know how to be,
I am speaking my mind, I know who I am, and I want all of you to see.
There is no reason to fear or hold back the parts I want to share,
The things I used to keep inside and when it came to sharing them, I would not dare.

Graduating, getting a new job and getting married are a few things I will do,
Pretty soon I will get to have something borrowed, new, and blue.
It is my turn this time, I believe I am important and by this point I hope you can tell,
that I am looking forward to being me with my man and becoming Angela Crundwell.

This is a journey of pain that I have walked with my family and friends,
it feels wonderful to finally be stepping out of the depths of grief and be on the mend.
I have learned so much about what it is to hurt, be scared, and want to run,
Now things are different and I can see hope in the morning sun.

I have learned that I can always ask, "How is this my lot?"
Or, I can focus on the things around me and focus on what I've got.
God never promises that things will not be hard and always be fair,
But He does promise that He will be there and that He will care.

I am Angela, a woman who has immeasurable worth and is dearly loved,
I will be me, with all my gifts and talents until He calls down from above.
When it is time to go, I want to be able to say,
I never stopped being myself or living for today.