Am I Worth It?

I've been wrestling this week. I've been wrestling with God and myself... my thoughts, assumptions and core beliefs. I've been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself because I've been wracked with anxiety while seeing clients. I wrote down all my automatic thoughts which included, "I'll be a failure if I mess up," "My clients won't like me and they'll find me incompetent," and "Everyone will think I'm not worthwhile or competent." I had this terrible fear of messing up. I put enormous pressure on myself to get things right. I was being very careful with my clients, which is good to a point, but I need to be bold and be able to be assertive. I realized how much power I give to others when feeling worthwhile or not. I am a recovering people-pleaser. I thought if I went along with other people thought, they'd like me. I tried so hard to not offend people. I put what other people think very high on a pedestal. What other people think has been what defined me and gave me my worth. If I offended someone or was too assertive with them, I thought I would be not worthwhile anymore if they did not like me. I put everything on what other people think which can create a huge amount of fear in counseling and in my relationships in general. Today is the day that my worth is no longer in other people's hands and not even in mine, it is in His.

There are some things that I have believed about my worth since my parents passed away. I have felt that maybe I was not worth having parents alive for longer than my 24 years. I prayed for healing briefly, but I did not feel like I was worth enough for God to hear my prayers. I have struggled with my worth for years, but I did not know it until recently. I didn't specifically say in my mind, "I'm not worthwhile," but I had many other fears going on in my mind. If I do this or that, people won't like me and they'll leave. If I say this, they'll think I'm stupid and won't want to spend time with me. They won't think I'm worthwhile. I put so much emphasis on my actions towards others and others actions towards me to define me and tell me how much I am worth. In the book I read for my Diagnosis of Mood and Anxiety Disorders called, "Feeling Good," by David Burns, it says that if you are born into this world you have worth. Much of our anxiety and depression comes from all the negative thoughts that go on in our minds about how much we are worth. It is so true. Just being born in this world automatically gives us worth, but our culture says otherwise. It is difficult to believe because people do not react like that. But I refuse to let my worth depend on what other people think or say. Even if a client tells me that they think I'm incompetent or not worthwhile to give them help, that will not shatter me because what I think about myself and my worth, does not depend on them.

Wow, I've struggled with this idea for years. I let other people tell me how important, or not, that I was. I write about this idea of worth a lot in my blogs because it is something that is so difficult to change. Since I've believed for so long that I'm not worthwhile, it's hard to believe it now. I drew a picture and posted it in my room. It says, "My worth is not dependent on what others do or say, or what I do or say, it is constant." It cannot be taken away from me even from my own actions. This even applies to thinking about what guys would be interested in dating me. I've had a hard time thinking that a strong Christian, wonderful man would want to date me for multiple reasons. Some involving how I look... which no one has a say in either. I choose to look at myself as a canvas and I can decorate myself however I want.

All of this to say, I am not going to let other people tell me who I am or how I should be. That decision is not theirs to make. My worth is secure. God made me who I am. I am not my twin sister, my friends or anyone else, I am me. He called me to this field of counseling and even through my fear of falling flat on my face, I am doing this. I've made it this far, I can't imagine God would let me fall on my face. I know what I said about God letting my parents die because I'm not important is not true, but I'm still angry with God. It's going to take a while for me to be able to freely come to Him. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have a lot of stuff to work through during this time. I feel better tonight, but I know that I will need reassurance of my worth again and again. That's one reason I wanted to write this blog, so I can go back and look at it when I'm feeling anxious again. I know I can do this. I know my Mom would tell me that I can do this. I am going to take one moment at a time. That's all I can handle right now. I need to have more weekends like this where I can watch Netflix and draw and just lounge on the couch. It has been wonderful in the midst of the busiest time of my life.

Here I go... walk with me through this, I ask you. I am going to be a professional helper, but I need help too. I've realized how I have been going through a lot of this alone this week. No more being alone all the time. I'm facing my fears with God and the people around me. I'm worthwhile and so are you. No one has a vote in that. We are innately full of worth as people. I am going to be a competent professional counselor. Yeah, me a professional... that's a new thought, but it's going to happen! I'm not going anywhere but forward from here.

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I can barely lift up my arms. Each time I think about them my head and stomach ache in a way that takes my breathe away. I wish I could sleep for a long time. I wish that I could sleep until the grief passes and then wake up with it gone. I have never felt something that scoops in until it reaches my soul and then it takes everything with it. If I were a well, it would be completely dry. I have been running full speed ahead and I'm panting because I haven't sat down long enough to rest. I desire more than anything to help people, but I'm empty. I don't feel like I have much of anything to give right now. Questions have been running through my mind: Can I do this? Am I ready and competent enough to do this? Do I have what it takes to help people? Am I worth people spending time and energy on me to help me be a counselor? What if I really mess up? What if people think I'm not good at it? Or that I'm a failure? If I mess up... I have to face those mistakes in the people I am trying to help. Messing up when it comes to people is different than messing up when doing a homework assignment. I have put so much pressure on myself, that in itself could wear me out without all these other things...

I wrote that yesterday during one of the biggest grief explosions I have ever faced. I took today off from life and have basically been sitting on my couch all day, snuggled under a blanket in the corner. Today I did not do much thinking. I relaxed, watched some Netflix and just recently had a long conversation with my roommate about many things. There are so many things going on in my mind that I figured it wouldn't hurt to write them down. One of the biggest things I'm working on is figuring out what I am afraid of while in the counseling room. I have some insecurities that come in there with me and I'm trying to figure out what they are, possibly where they came from and how I can work on them. I struggle with feeling like I should have something to say. I think that other people could handle certain things better than I could. I would like more complicated clients to see people who have more experience, who know what they're doing. I have a hard time seeing myself as someone who people can come to for help. I am unsure of what I have to offer because sometimes I feel like I don't have much at all.

Stepping into my calling of counseling has been one of the most difficult things I have done so far in my life, especially while struggling with grief. It's easy for me to see the strengths and gifts in other people, but it is much more difficult in myself. Something Dr. Wardle said this week was that, "There are three things in life that no one has a vote on. They are your identity, your worth and your calling." I have realized that I let other people vote on all of those things. My worth is very much found in what other people think of me. Just this week, when I was crying all over the place, I had to see my supervisor so I went even though I was a mess. I saw a few friends and talked to them, but I never would have if I did not have an appointment scheduled. Those friends saw me at my worst. I do not like for people to see me like that, but they did and they accepted me with open arms. People do not get rid of me when I'm not happy. The not as fun parts of me were exposed and they weren't rejected. I think part of why I have a difficult time being around friends for extended periods of time are that I don't know what will happen if certain parts of me are revealed. I place a lot of emphasis on what people think and I want to change that.
I am going to do my best in the counseling office and I am going to be in there and everywhere. I do not want to wear a mask of happiness when I don't feel that way. My smile is legit about 95% of the time, but there is a small amount of time that I smile because I don't want to show how I'm really feeling. I am learning what it is to be me. What it means to feel all sorts of emotions around different people, to be bold and state my opinion and be able to confront someone if they are bothering me. I don't know if we ever completely know who we are, but I would like to be more secure in who I am so far. I've come a long way but there is still much more distance to be traveled in that area. Why am I so afraid of people not liking me? Why am I afraid of my clients' reactions to the things I say or do? What would happen if someone didn't like me? What would happen if I did offend someone?
There are so many questions in my mind right now. I have so much learning to do about myself. This is so difficult, but I believe it is worth it to go through these struggles. I am becoming a counselor. I am finding my identity in Him. I am trying to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am facing my insecurities and fears as I spend time with people. People really mean everything to me. Nothing else in life means anything if it is not for the people in it. You can have nice things, a good job, a big house and a fancy car, but if you don't have people who love you and who you love as well, it doesn't mean anything. Things don't keep you warm at night, they don't offer a loving embrace when you're hurting or crack a joke when you do something silly. Things don't stand by you when you're going through the most difficult time in life that you've ever faced. Things don't smile at you just because. People do. We are made for each other in this life. Hopefully this blog isn't jumping all over the place. Well, actually, if it does and that bothers you then too bad. I wrote it and it doesn't really matter what you think because my worth and identity don't come from you. I refuse to put that power into your hands, only in His :)

My Running Thoughts

I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. I've been thinking about so many different things lately. This summer has changed me in a lot of ways. God has been working on me a lot. There are things from my past that hurt me a lot and I didn't even know it. There are things that I have told myself in certain situations in the past that are lies. For example, I was a leader of my youth group after I graduated from high school. I liked all the other leaders, but there were a few guys that did not talk to me. I tried talking to them sometimes but they never really talked to me. It frustrated me a lot and I assumed they didn't like me. I felt quite uncomfortable as one of the leaders and I eventually left. I had not thought much about this situation until about a week ago when I was having some problems getting to know people where I live now. There were a few people that didn't talk to me very much and it hit upon an old, but very real wound. I was hurt more deeply than I knew.
There were things that I told myself after this incident. I wondered why they didn't talk to me. I wondered what is wrong with me. Was there something about me that they didn't like so they just decided to not talk to me? I had all these questions and doubts about myself. I thought something was wrong with me. The thoughts and feelings I had as an 18 year old girl were brought back to mind when I was dealing with people who were not talking to me even when I made efforts to talk to them. I was talking about this with my roommate one morning and it brought me to tears. I had no idea how deep this went. She said, "Angela, there is nothing wrong with you." It brought me to the realization that I was carrying that around with me for all these years. Healing was already beginning to happen.
The more I thought and prayed about that past hurt and what was currently going on as I am becoming part of a new community in Ashland, I began to think about why these people may have a hard time having a friendship. Maybe they have been hurt in the past and were acting out of their own brokenness. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with me, personally. I had not thought about their side of things, I just assumed it was because of me. It's not. The people around me that I'm trying to meet and get to know have been tremendously hurt in relationships too. If I'm going through lots of rearranging, adding and taking away and healing while in seminary, other people must be too. It's hard to be in relationships while lots of other stuff is going on. You'd think the community would have arms open wide and be easy to get into, but it's not. It takes lots of work and time. It's hard to get into community in any new place. I'm determined to be friends with people even if they are going through hard times and aren't talking to me a lot. I'm going to spend time with them and be their friend until that brokenness stops keeping us apart. Maybe God wants to use me to help heal some wounds that came about from past friendships. I'm not going anywhere. I'm pushing through this hard time because these people are worth it and I am too.
So, I'm not working at the childcare anymore. After a week, I was feeling stressed and down. I thought that it would be great to be around kids and have more of a schedule, but it actually had the opposite effect on me. I said goodbye to that job and I felt free afterwards. I love kids, but I just don't have it in me right now to take care of them. There are times that taking care of myself is all I can focus on. Instead of working, I'm enjoying my summer a lot! I'm taking classes, I went to the Sara Bareilles concert tonight, I'm going to the beach next week, and I'm also celebrating my birthday this week. I'm trying to run to get ready for a half-marathon in October but I'm not sure that I'll be able to do it. My motivation comes and goes in dramatic waves. Some weeks I run 4 times or so and some weeks, maybe once or twice. I want to workout on a more consistent basis. I'm tired of having this extra weight. I'm learning to be happy with myself no matter what and I am, but I don't want to be overweight. I'm trying to figure out what to do about that.
I've also been thinking a lot about this upcoming school year. I was looking at some of the syllabi for my classes and I can tell that I'm going to be busy. They certainly seem like good classes but I will be doing lots of work. I'm looking forward to everything but I'm scared as well. Let's see... I've been thinking about guys lately too. There was a point this past week that I was kind of interested in 3 guys at once. Talk about confusing! I never know what to do in that area of my life. I've been trying to let God take over and be patient, but when I'm interested in someone and nothing happens for a long time, my patience wears down a lot. I want to take matters into my own hands, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. Rejection is scary! I've asked guys out before and I would probably only ask someone out to coffee at this point, but my confidence is that area has taken a beating. I have no idea who is interested. I don't know whether or not that guy(s) I am interested in feel the same way. I tend overanalyze things and get really impatient. How do I let God take control of this? What do I do when I'm interested in a guy and want him to pursue me but nothing is happening? Maybe he has no idea I'm interested. I would prefer not to ask guys out but I would if it comes down to it. I don't know what it means to let God take over, what do I do then? I have friends who are all for asking guys out and friends who think a guy should only do the pursuing. I have mixed feelings and I'm not sure what to do, if anything.
One thing I have been learning is to be me, no matter what that is at the time. I am not going to change for a guy. I am also not going to settle and I don't want the guy to either. I don't want to have too high of expectations but I'm still going to have high standards. I generally have no idea what type of guys are interested in me. There are times in the past where I was completely surprised that certain guys were interested in me because for whatever reason I assumed they wouldn't be. I really have no idea what guys are thinking. I always feel like I'm pretty darn obvious when I'm attracted to someone but who knows. I do know that there are times that I would really like to have a boyfriend and there are times I love being single. I'm waiting for the man who is right for me and will sweep me off my feet. I know there is someone out there who will. I'm not going to date someone just to have a boyfriend. I'd probably feel lonelier dating someone I didn't completely like than while being single. One of my cousins told me that she met her husband when she was 24. I pray that this is the year. I want to meet/find him. Or better yet, I want him to find me and pursue me completely.
I know there is nothing wrong with me. I have been hurt and so have other people, but I want to be with them through it all. I know I have a lot to learn as a friend and girlfriend, but I'm more than willing to learn. I know I am worth being pursued. There are many guys I'm interested in that aren't out of my league. I have no idea what "my league" even is, but I know I'm pretty awesome. I'm under construction, but there sure are some beautiful parts. There are some messy, broken parts but I'm a work in progess. I'm ready to keep on keeping on. I will run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Sometimes I get out of breathe easily, but I'm not giving up. I will never back down. I will stand for you and for me and for Him until I reach the finish line.

Be Strong and Courageous and Smile

It has been a little while since I've posted anything. I've actually been fairly busy, which has been a welcome change. Of course, I've been relaxing this summer but I decided to pick up a childcare job. I wanted something extra to fill the time. There is a bit more that I need to do for this job than I thought going in, but there is something in me that desires to be with those kids. I don't know who they are yet, but I care about them already. Today, when I was sitting at a computer for hours doing the orientation stuff, there were many kids that walked by. My favorite though, were the infants sitting in this cool 6-seater stroller. They just smiled with everything in them when they went by. A smile so big they were about to burst with happiness. There is something so beautiful and pure about a child's smile. It touches me deeply. It's amazing what a smile can do.
This makes me think about myself, and others that are similar in that it is easy to smile. This time period in my life has made things a bit different sometimes, but normally, a smile is just about always on my face. This week has been one of those weeks where I am filled with joy. I am so thankful for a week like this just 4 months after my Mom passed away. I think I was made to smile. There is something so healing about receiving a smile at just the right time from the right person. When I worked at Caribou Coffee, I got many comments about how people appreciated my smiling face. Sometimes I was the first person they saw in the morning. I was never once faking it. There were times that I had annoying customers and stuff, where I had to not show my frustration, but the joy behind the smile was completely real. Makes me wonder where that joy comes from... I know it's not something I muster up.
I love that I can sit with a smile on face during a period of grieving. I think maybe I am accepting the loss a little bit more. There were so many things I was questioning... but, I am full of a certain peace right now. I've been asking God why He doesn't intervene more and why there is so much suffering in this world. I've more or less come to the conclusion that Jesus didn't die to take away suffering necessarily, but He died to bring us through it. There is a lot in this world that is left in our hands. Think about how much of suffering in this world is from someone sinning against another. Abuse, murder, lying, cheating, greed, and hate just to name a few. Makes me think that God kind of knows what He's talking about when He asks us not to do those things. This is a seriously broken world. But Jesus died to bring reconciliation and restoration to this broken world. He stands beside those who are grieving, those who are hurting... and He uses all of this suffering to build character, to help us learn and He uses it for our good and His glory. He uses us in our suffering and through it. What better person to counsel and help others who are grieving than someone who has been through it? My suffering, my broken road, can be used to help other people who are going through the same thing. I've had to grow up quickly the past few years. I'm going through things that most people do not go through until they are middle aged or a bit older.
Sometimes it blows my mind that God wants to use little 'ol me. Something I've struggled with for a long time is being important enough to be heard. I'm important. I have things to say and they're worth hearing. I am able to help people. I am a strong woman. I will make a man very happy someday. I have a lot to give. I am a wonderful catch. I'm confident no matter what I look like, no matter how many pounds I have gained through these hard times the past 4 years. I want to scream this stuff to the rooftops. I'm Angela and I matter! I'm motivated and driven. I will not give up. I am not going to left life slip by. I'm following Jesus but I'm also grabbing life by the reigns and riding off into the sunset. I have a purpose, in fact, many purposes. I am loved and I have love to give. My opinion matters. People want to spend time with me as I do with them. I am a twin, but on my own I'm just as important. I have my own passions and desires. I am His child. I am beautiful on the inside and out and I refuse to listen to anyone tell me differently.
Wow, that feels good to say those things. I had no idea how much I struggled with some of that stuff. I can feel my confidence getting higher. I've been learning so much about myself. As difficult as it has been, it has been worth every tear and hard time. I've been realizing and getting healing for things now at age 23 (almost 24) that a lot of people go a whole lifetime without addressing. The time is now. I love myself and I realize that not everyone else has to. My time as a people-pleaser is now over. I care for people but not to the detriment of my own opinion and self-respect. I will not be a floormat to be walked all over. I will speak up and not hold back because I think my opinion isn't worth saying. It is. If you do not like me because of something, well, sorry. I'm going to be me. I'm not holding back anymore. Fear will not take control of my life. I'm going to be strong and courageous and I'm going to do it with a smile. I'm completely, utterly me now.

Passionate Perseverance

It's been a little while since I've written anything. My brain and self have been all over the place. I've been wrestling with God, what I believe, the many questions I have and with myself. There has been an overarching theme through all of this though, and that has been perseverance. I can say without a doubt that in some ways I am going through the hardest time in my life. I'm learning how to be me during a time when I don't feel like me at all. My usual smiling, happy self won't be back for a little while. I am finding things in me that I didn't know were there. For instance, I sometimes have a fear that people wouldn't want to spend time with me one on one. I've had if off and on since I was young, but for some reason during this period of grieving and adjusting to living in a new place, it came back in a strong way. It's hard knowing that the people who are getting to know me in this point in my life aren't getting to know the "normal me". It's the "grieving me." But, I've come to learn that no matter what "me" I am at the time, people still care about me and want to spend time with me. It has been wonderful.

On webster.com, perseverance is defined as continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition; steadfastness. Getting through this school year with nothing less than a B, moving to a new place, losing my Mom, having internal struggles with many things through this loss... somehow I've persevered. I've been reading some of my favorite verses in Romans 5: 1-5. "1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

There are many good verses after these, but I've been holding onto these specifically. These verses were read at my Mom's funeral and I was the one to say that we should use them. My Mom is the complete definition of perseverance to me. She had one medical problem after another. She had Hodgkin's Disease in her 20s, skin cancer, three open heart surgeries, nasal surgeries, and those are only a few of the medical issues she had. I never once heard her complain. She fought through all of this stuff with everything in her. During all this, she was a Mom, a wife, a full-time worker, a friend, an aunt and everything in between. She didn't know the meaning of the word, "quit." Sometimes we'd have to tell her to sit down and relax for a little while. She was always on the go, doing something for someone. She persevered through her suffering. In mourning the loss of her, I have her to look to for an example. Perseverance is the only way I know how to live. There are some days when I don't know how I will get through, but God somehow gives me strength to do it.

Persevering through this heart wrenching time is building character and hope. Hope for what is to come, not only on this Earth, but when we go home for good. This suffering does not go to waste. While it is horrible, there can be good that comes from it. I've been struggling with why God lets certain things happen and why He doesn't intervene more. There are people who are going through much more horrible things than me. I've never been raped or abused or trafficked, but my suffering is still very real. I don't know why God places so much in our bruised and broken hands. I don't know why He lets the things go on that do. There is pain, brokenness, and sin around every corner. We live in a fallen world. I may never know why I am 23 without both of my parents, but I do know that God loves me, has a plan for this and will use it for my good. He is with me through the hurt. He has the comfort and peace that only He can give. I still put my trust in Him through all my doubts, fears and questions. I'll come out on the other side at some point. This time in my life will not last forever. Tonight there may be sorrow, but joy comes in the morning.The joy of the Lord is my strength right now.

I also feel like addressing something that I've been thinking about. If you are reading this, I want to encourage you to take risks, get out there and do the things you've always wanted to do. Pay attention to the relationships around you. Don't let the little things get to you. I have a much different perspective now that I've lost two (well, three including my niece) of the most important people in my life. Life is tremendously short. Why does money have to be more important than the people that are in your life? Why is anything more important than who you are spending your life with? Live please. Have you wanted to go back to school? Do it. Have you always wanted to live by the ocean? Move then. Let's live life with passion. Don't let each day just go by while you sit back and just let things happen. It's your life, don't let it pass you by. Do the things you've always wanted to do. Love the people you've always wanted to love. Live the life you've always wanted to live. Please join me in this. Ready? Set? Live!

Guys and Not Dolls

Usually I have so much going on in my mind that it takes me a while to figure out where to start. Today, I talked to a lot of people so that helps me think through and process my thoughts so I don't have to write them down to get them out. Talking and writing are both good ways for me to process through what I am thinking. One big thing that has been going on is that I started a new workout program. I found a 12-week program on bodybuilding.com that seems really good. It has workouts and it also has helpful hints, recipes and ideas on how to eat healthy. It has been going well so far. Right now, my legs are quite sore. It's a good sore, but I have to hobble around a little bit. Oh, don't worry I'm not trying to become a body builder. That website has workouts for people like me who just want to lose fat and gain muscle. I definitely don't want to be massive or anything. I don't find body builders attractive. Sometimes those guys arms are as big as my torso! Yikes and gross all in one. I admire their determination and stamina... but it seems weird to be judged by how big your muscles are. I guess some people really like it though, whatever floats their boat. In that topic, my boat is wrecked and sinking. It certainly isn't floating, lol.
I guess one thing that is on my mind is a question about how guys act when they're somewhat interested in a girl. I don't want to say too much, but there is this guy that I'm wondering about. I haven't really talked to him much, but I catch him looking at me sometimes and so I try to smile and say hello but he generally just looks away. If he was interested, could this be a sign that he might be a little shy or something? Next time I'm going to just walk up close enough that he doesn't have a choice but to look and talk to me. haha. My question is then, what do guys generally do when they are interested in a woman? (Even if they haven't talked to her very much) The whole situation kind of makes me laugh. If I have to say the first word because he's too shy or whatever, I will. It's only a conversation, good grief! I refuse to ask a guy out anymore. I will only accept to be pursued by a man. Any input would be appreciated, especially from the guys.
Well, I have a couple weeks until my weekend classes start. I'm so happy I dropped this online class I was going to take. I need this time to rest. It has been a long year in just about every way imaginable. Classes ended, I went on the cruise, and then came back and summer classes started. I need more time than that. I did apply to a couple coffee shops in the area to pick up a job this summer, but I won't be disappointed if I don't get hired. It'd be nice, but it's been nice not working right now. I have the rest of my life to work. This is the summer to focus on myself, inside and out. I like to think of myself as a canvas that I can decorate however I desire and mostly that has just been about clothing. But, I've starting to think more about how my actual body is a canvas too. What I consume and put into it is important, as well as working out to keep it working the best it can. Exercise helps me feel better in every way, and I look better too. Along with exercise and eating healthy, I have some deeper issues to look at. My confidence and self-esteem really took a beating. It's so frustrating that there are images bombarding us everywhere we look telling us we have to look a certain way.
I believed those magazine ads and television shows for a long time. I thought that I needed to change to be more this, more that and less this and less that. You know what, I'm me. I'm Angela and this is how I am. I'm not petite, I have big feet and big hands. I have curves. I'm strong. I'm my own brand of femininity. Who says I have to be any different than what I am? Why should I listen to what culture says instead of what God says? To this culture, I am nothing, but to Him I am everything. I am beautiful because He made me and His image is in me. There is a wonderful quote in the book I'm reading called, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.

It says, "Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 43)

Wow, this quote is amazing. I love soaking in the words. I don't need to change to fill society's standards. I hope this fills some of you with as much hope as it has for me. Welp, goodnight blogfriends! I'm gonna get back to eating my berries and whipped cream!

30 Random Factoids about Me

Hm, today I think I will write some random things about me. I don't know why, I guess just for fun. Here it goes...

1. I like the middle pieces of things like cake or brownies. Sometimes, when I bake something I will start by cutting out the middle so I can eat it. It's the best!

2. Looking at the sun makes me sneeze.

3. I really like crossword puzzles. I have yet to finish a Sudoku.

4. I really want to travel, specifically to South America. Anywhere down there is fine with me as long as I can practice my Spanish.

5. When I'm really comfortable around someone or with co-workers or something, I may start singing around you without really noticing it. Oopsies!

6. I love being around people. I love hearing stories, experiences and just getting to know people. It's wonderful.

7. I want to learn how to play the guitar, drums and I want to sing in a choir again!

8. I laugh at just about anything. It doesn't take much to make me laugh. Maybe my sense of humor is somewhat strange. hehe.

9. I LOVE vegetables! I also love fruits and stuff, but I was never a difficult child to get to eat my veggies. I heart salads, stir-frys, veggies and dip, you name it.

10. The only food I know I don't like is olives. I will try just about anything though. I'm all for trying new things. I don't particularly care for anything that can look back or me or if there are suction cups involved. No thanks.

11. For some reason I really like guys with brown hair and brown eyes. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that I also have brown hair and eyes. I like guys with all different looks but those really catch my eye.

12. Also, any guy who can wear cowboy boots and those jeans... phew, get ready to catch me when I get weak at the knees. I like to think I'm a city girl with a bit of country in there too.

13. Another thing that makes me go weak at the knees is cologne. Sometimes when I'm shopping getting my deoderant or shampoo, I'll go in the guys section and smell the scents. They smell so good!

14. Some of my pet peeves are when you're talking to someone but they're not really listening. They're just thinking of what to say next and may even interrupt you. When a guy is interested in a girl but doesn't do anything about it and it creates this annoying game that leaves the girl really confused. When people don't wash their hands after using the restroom. In public restaurants, I see the sign that says, "Employees must wash their hands." My thought is that they better be washing their hands and so should everyone else! Why do we even need to hang this sign? People should be doing that anyway. I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think of for now.

15. Coffee. Done.

16. Whenever I see an inanimate object, I like to think about what kind of voice it would have if it could talk. For example, my car's name is Carlos (he's a boy, he's a car and he speaks Spanish, don't judge), I think I know how he would sound if he could talk. Vamonos todos!

17. I wuv my family and I say it just like that. Wuv not love :)

18. If I could be anywhere on the Earth, it would almost always be on a beach somewhere. I don't really like going too far into the water though, there's too much weirdo stuff in there. Creepy crawlies! It sure is pretty though!

19. I want to get married and have kids someday. I hope I have twins! That would be so great! My own little twinsies! I would never give them rhyming names though, ick!

20. I've asked guys out before, I can be more ballsy that guys sometimes. I haven't for quite a while and I actually prefer not to, but I've done it. I've even gotten myself asked out on accident before, haha.

21. I like having straight hair. I don't do anything to it, it's just straight. I'm going to sit in my straight hair glory. I don't use millions of products or straighteners, actually most of the time I don't even use a hair dryer. Sometimes I wish my hair would curl a little easier.

22. I colored my hair for the first time this year. It was exhilirating! Not quite sure why, I sat under a heater thing looking like an extraterrestrial being, but it was!

23. I got my nose pierced when I was studying abroad in Spain, but took it out to look more "professional." I miss it!

24. I do not have any tattoos and I don't think I'd ever get one. I'm not against them by any means, but they're a bit too permanent for me.

25. I've moved three times in the past year. I'm not moving again until I graduate because heaven knows I can't stay here! I feel too restricted in such a small town. There's too much to see, too much to do, so much life to be lived to stay in such a small town. God help me if I fall in love with a country boy. I always say that if I can get to a coffee shop and mall within a decent amount of time I should be alright. With that said, I'm pretty willing to do whatever and go wherever I'm called. I always thought it would be amazing to live in a house like in the movie, "The Notebook." The one that the guy builds for the girl. I can't remember their names. It's so beautiful.

26. I go to seminary and I love Jesus. I don't know why I waited until number 26 to say that since it's rather important, but yeah.

27. I like pretty much most music except anything where screaming is involved and I don't really like rap or R & B. I would like to write my own songs someday, that would be cool.

28. Singing karaoke is really fun, so is country line dancing and salsa dancing. I've also been swing dancing once. I enjoy dancing and singing a lot!

29. I used to be really self-conscious of my big feet. Size 10 ladies and gentlemen. But, now that I've gotten older I appreciate how much they look like my Dad's feet. I have a little (well, not so little) part of him with me. My smile could probably be attributed to my Mom. I carry them with me.

30. I am going to be an aunt again! (Please pray for a healthy Mom and baby!) A little girl is on her way to grace us with her presence. I can't wait to hold her, sing to her and tell her how much I love her. I want to tell her how beautiful she is, how precious she is and wonderful she is as well. Glory be!

Well, there are 30 interesting factoids about me and these don't really even scratch the surface. I have a lot to say, a lot to give, and a lot to learn. I also want to listen, receive and teach. Life is rediculously hard, but there is so much left! There is so much hope for the future! Live! Dream! Soar!

Be my King

Tonight was so refreshing. I went to Dr. Wardle's small group and met new friends, talked to some people I already knew a little bit and sat in front of a campfire. I needed that badly. I needed to be around people who are going through similar things. I was encouraged and inspired by some of the stories told there. I've been alone too much lately and it can get difficult when people aren't around to tell you it's going to be okay. I got a dose of reality and of love tonight. Thank you Lord for community. I realized today that some of my posts may have people worried about me. I do want to clarify that I do love myself. I may be unhappy with certain things here or there, but I wouldn't change who I am for anything. In my last post, I was having a rough time. I feel better right now after being around people who care about me and I about them. Some things seem so much worse when you're by yourself. At least, it can get that way for me.

I realized tonight that God, I'm desperate for you more than anything else. I need you to love me, to heal me, to guide me. This is a rough season of life and I need you right now. I haven't made much time for you, but thankfully you still seek me anyway. I feel kind of unsure in a lot of ways. I need some direction. Fill me with your peace, your strength and courage. Show me my purpose here in this place and time, even if it's just a little crumb for me to follow.

Psalm 5: 1-2 "1 Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. 2 Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray."

Here is my lament:

My heart and soul ache, my parents are gone. I can't go visit them whenever I want to. My Dad isn't around to tell stories to my kids when I have them. My Mom isn't here to bake cookies with us. The people who loved me the most in this world are gone. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to grieve. Sometimes moving from my bed to the couch is all I can do. I don't want to be stuck like this forever. I know things will get better, but right now, it's tough. Things are coming up along with grieving like meeting a guy, how I feel about myself, meeting more friends in general, finding a church, possibly getting a job this summer. I'm questioning things about God that I believed before to make sure I know what I believe and why I do. So many things are getting stirred up in me right now. I feel pulled in all directions at once while at the same time not being pulled in any. It's confusing, it's messy and it's hard. I don't know if this makes sense. It doesn't to me a lot of the time. It makes my head hurt, my heart and body hurt as well. I didn't want my life to be like this right now. There are so many good things going for me, but they are overshadowed by the immense loss I am facing. How do people do this? How am I supposed to get through this? How do I swim when grief is pulling me under the surface? Jesus, will you grab me and never let me go? I can't do this alone. Be my refuge, Lord, be my King as I am your daughter. Amen.

To be lovely

I haven't left my apartment today. There's a pile of used tissues sitting on the floor next to me. An empty mug sitting on my coffee table. Chamomile tea. Dresses are hanging in the opening between the kitchen and living room. It's still messy. I still have to unpack from my vacation. I'm recovering from a cold. I haven't had much energy until a couple hours ago when I made a delicious, healthy dinner which consisted of cilanto lime and garlic chicken, wild rice, green beans and a salad with fresh basil, tomato, fresh mozzarella, purple onion, olive oil and vinegar. I decided that I am going to lose weight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and being unhappy. It was a big wake up call when I saw all those fit girls on the cruise and then saw myself. So much has happened recently that I haven't even taken time to really look in the mirror until now. How did I get here? How did I gain 40-50 lbs over a period of 4 years? I'm ready to change. I want to be happy with how I look... but I don't want to concentrate this post completely on that.
I'm not really sure what is on my mind right now. I'm hurting, I miss my Mom a lot. I'm looking forward to potential trips this summer. I'm looking forward to getting in shape. I'm looking forward to having my friend move in with me. I'm looking forward to building friendships, ones I already have and building new ones. I'm looking forward to being the best me that I possibly can on the inside and out. Why is it so much easier to see beauty in other people than in yourself? I don't look at other peoples weight, but I notice my own. My self-esteem has really taken a beating. I'm nowhere near as confident as I used to be. I used to turn heads when I walked into a room. I don't anymore. Not that I have to turn heads, but it was nice. My friends used to say, "We can't take Angela anywhere!" Guys would talk to me a lot... that hasn't happened in a while. I'm not sure if it's because I've gained weight or lost my confidence, or both. I want my confidence back regardless of what I look like.
God, please give me confidence. Help me love myself the way you love me. Help me love myself no matter what I look like. Help me get in shape and eat healthy. I want to feel beautiful. It's been a long time since I have. I didn't realize how deep these feelings go. I'm gonna be me, no matter what that is. I'm lovely the way that I am, no matter what size I am. The man for me will find me lovely how I am, but I want to lose weight and get healthy for me. I want to be attractive to men but this is for me. I'm ready. Let's do this one step at a time. I want to be a new creation in every way. Let's go...

BelovedMe Please

My laundry is just about done. My bags are just about packed. Vacation is almost here. I've been running around all day getting things together. I've been trying to clean a bit, but my apartment is still a mess. I still need to iron a couple dresses. I finally turned in my last assignment even though it was a bit late, it was turned in. I am free. I do not have to think about anything for the next week except about what I want to eat or how long I want to sit on the beach. This is a much-needed vacation! I haven't been to the beach in a few years now. I've never been on a cruise. There's a first time for everything, that's for sure! I'm so excited, I can hardly contain my squealing. I need to get away and just be. Get away from distractions, homework and all of that stuff. I want to go sit in the sunshine that is so bright it is soul-healing. I need it. I want to leave all my fears, worries, and concerns behind. I want to be recharged for a great summer.

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I started making a list of everything I want to do. I want to go to Chicago since I've never been there. I want to take guitar lessons and maybe even drum lessons. I want to grow with God as well as find a church I can call home. I also want to lose weight and get in shape. These past four years have been really hard and I have my waistline to show for it. I'm learning to separate food from my emotions but it's not easy. I'm used to celebrating by eating deliciousness and also eating when I'm sad. Ice cream and desserts make my heart feel better emotionally, but not physically. I'm ready to have the body I've always wanted, but I'm trying to love myself no matter what. It's not easy when our culture says you have to look a certain way or you won't be attractive to guys. Or that if you don't look a certain way then you're not important or worthy. Stupid culture. There's this struggle with loving myself no matter what and wanting to be thin so I'll be more attractive. It's hard to kick something that has been so ingrained in me.

I bought the book, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge to read over vacation and this summer. I started reading it a few years ago and lost it, but I want to read it with a fresh pair of eyes. The premise behind the book is that every woman desires to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure and to be the Beauty of a story. Wow, I desire those things with all of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I will be the Beauty of a story? Is a guy going to be so wooed by me that I will have an irreplaceable role in an adventure with him? I'm kind of overweight, will a guy still love me and find me attractive? I want more than anything in the world to be captivating. To be the woman who God made me to be.

This reminds me of a guy in one of my classes. I say guy, but he's probably 30-40 years older than me. He was telling us about how he has a picture of his wife on his desk of when she was a little girl. You may think that seems strange, why would he have an old picture of his wife when she was little? Well, it is because looking at that picture reminds him to be the husband that his wife dreamed about when she was young. He wants to be the man she dreamt of being in an adventure with. The man who was captivated by her beauty and still is.

In my Foundations of Bible Study class, we studied Mark 1-8. There was one part that stood out to me one day when we were going over our assignments. In Mark 5:25-34, there was a woman who was hemorraging for 12 years. She tried many doctors and treatments but nothing helped her. In her culture, she would have been considered unclean. No one would have been able to touch her and no one would have wanted her to touch them. She could not just go into a crowd of people, but she did when she knew that Jesus would be there. Plus, she was a woman so she had even lower standing in the culture. She went into the crowd and touched Jesus' cloak. Jesus did not tell her to get away, but he greeted her with an intimate word. He called her, "daughter" and he healed her. He did not see that she was "unclean." By healing her physically, he probably also healed her emotionally, spiritually and in every way. He brought her out of her shame and loneliness. She no longer needed to be an outcast. She no longer needed to yell, "Unclean!" when going into town. He took that horrible identity that was placed on her away. He did not just say, "woman" or "friend." He called her, "daughter."

The thing is I am a daughter of Jesus too. He doesn't just see me as "unclean" either. That is powerful. I don't need to stay in shame or in an identity that culture puts on me. Sometimes it seems like people who are overweight or obese are seen like "unclean" people were back then. Some people pay so much attention to outside appearance, that they don't have anything to do with people who struggle with their weight. It sure is a good thing that God looks at the heart. He doesn't just look at the outside like our culture does. That's not to say that God doesn't care about our outward appearance. He cares that we take care of ourselves, but he doesn't only look at our outward appearance.

1 Samuel 16:7 "... the Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

The mirror does not define me. God, please work on the inside of me so that I can work on the outside. Maybe the next cruise I go on, I'll be a new woman on the inside and out. I won't be on here for a week. I'm going to miss it... but the beach is worth it. I'm learning how to be loved and how to love myself. It's a lifelong journey. BelovedMe, please.

Her Dancing Doll

Have you ever looked at yourself? I don't just mean looking in a mirror at your physical self, but have you truly looked at your thoughts, beliefs, actions and assumptions? Have you looked at what you tell yourself about the things that have happened or are happening in your life? Have you ever thought about your life being like a story? Well, I've been doing lots of these things. I'm learning what my story is, how I have written it and how others have written it for me whether I wanted them to or not. We were asked a question in class a couple days ago and my professor basically said, "Have you ever had anyone speak an identity into your life that you did not want to be there?" Have people told you things when you were young that you still carry with you as an adult? For me, being a twin has been a wonderful thing and I love my twin sister more than anything in the world, but growing up people always clumped us as "the twins." It was never Angela and Gina as two separate women. It felt as though people saw us as the same person. I'm still learning what it means to be Angela as a woman apart from being just a twin. I would never trade my relationship with my sister for anything, but it has had a big impact on who I am, what I think about myself and how I think others view me.

Being a twin is a really unique thing but then again, it doesn't feel unique because there is someone who looks like me, sounds like me and has similar tastes and interests. We were a lot more similar when we were younger. We even sometimes were interested in the same men. We are much more different now. It is funny though how we are both going into the professional helping fields as nurse and counselor. We are both growing and learning about how to be individuals. When people ask me what it's like to be a twin, I say well, what's it like to be singular? I have a built in friend. I had a play partner growing up. We had two invisible friends that we played with instead of one. We each wanted one. We share a birthday, we share our tremendously fabulous good looks ;), and we share many other things. We are two separate people that are better together. There is no one else that I can be as silly and weird with. We get each other. We have "twin time" every couple weeks or so when we visit each other.

A beautiful story our Mom used to tell was that when she was little she had this dancing doll that was her favorite toy. She loved that doll and she was trying to help someone by letting them play with the doll and somehow she never saw it again. She did not know what happened to that doll. Then many years later after my older brother and sister were born, my parents decided to have another baby. Unbeknownst to them, another baby was going to be another set of twins. Two baby girls, two dancing dolls. My Mom said that we are her double portion, her dancing dolls. She may have never found that doll she lost when she was little but she received two real life ones.

Two little twin girls. Two different people that look alike. Two different women that seem alike in a lot of ways, but are separate. Our Mom delighted in both of us. To her I was Angewa (The w is intentional) and Gina was her wittle Genie girwee. She even called herself Momeo Swameo. We went to churchy churchy choo choo on Sunday mornings together. We ate break-fee-fast together often. We were her "girlies." She taught us how to cook and bake. The smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies always brings memories to mind of being in the kitchen with my Mom and sisters. Eating the dough was my favorite part. My Mom taught me how to love and receive love. She told me how I beautiful I was. She was for me. For us. She was our advocate when we were powerless. I cannot even begin to come up with words to tell her how thankful I am for her. I told her how much I love her and appreciate her before she passed away. She taught me what it is to be a Mom. She got me to a point where I can make it without her. She was a fighter through all her health problems, she is an example of perseverence. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had Janice Marie as my Mommy. I, Angela Marie, have a legacy to carry. I am going to continue the path of love that my Mom started and I will pass on the love to my children and grandchildren.

Mommy, I love you. You will never be forgotten. I can hear your voice and your laugh. I can picture your smile. I can feel your love. I know how proud you are of me. I know you had the best in mind for me. You fought for me when I could not do that for myself. You told me the truth, you challenged me. You encouraged me and filled me with hope. I wonder what it will be like to see you again. I am going to live my life, but I look forward to being reunited with you and Daddy and Ashley. Thank you for watching over me. I'm forever your daughter. I'm forever Angela, your dancing doll. Thank you for showing me what it means to love with everything you are. When I look at myself, I see you. Thank you for helping me become the person I am. See you in eternity.

Little Blessings, Big Difference

I sit here in my seminary apartment on a beautiful, yet hot May day. Today was the last day of my first year of grad school. I have a strange mixture of emotions stirring in me. I'm very excited of course, there is utter tiredness, some sadness at not seeing a lot of these people over the summer, and there is pure gratefulness. This year has been rough. Many people have spoken the word of perseverence over us as the first year counseling cohort and I have been realizing that I have been perservering through tears, pain, and everything in between. I really wonder how I got to this point of the year and of my life. This time last year I had just moved to Cleveland with my twin sister. We moved into a house in Lakewood that my sister was thinking about buying (long story!). I was waiting for my seminary career to start. I was working at two Caribou Coffee locations. My Mom was alive this time last year. I was a completely different person in many respects. I thought differently, my beliefs were different, I looked at others differently. I have changed. I am becoming the Angela I was created to be.

I've been wrestling with the question, who am I? Many of the things I thought I was have been combed through with a fine tooth comb. Who am I when my location has changed, my job has changed, my school has changed, and my family life has changed? What's left after I remove all of those things? I'm still learning the answers to those questions, but they are what are floating around in my mind. Sometimes I struggle with thinking that there is nothing there, especially when grief has swallowed me whole. Grieving takes so much out of me that there are days when I can hardly tell up from down. Things are being stripped away, but the good news is that new things are taking the place of those old, temporary things. There is a lot to me. It is being tweaked, stretched, and changed, but the core of who I am is still there. Finding your identity is a lifelong process, but I do know whose I am. I am His. He won my heart. My identity is based in something that can never be taken away.

Today, I had the honor of holding a little boy who has been through some tough medical problems. My classmate brought in her bundle of joy to share with us. He was so precious. He smiled, laughed and played while sitting in his Mom's lap. He kept looking at me. Those innocent little eyes captured my heart. He eventually reached out his arms and wanted me to hold him. He was so happy just to sit on my lap and play with my necklace. He was the definition of pure, unconditional love. All it took to make him happy was to be placed in my arms. I wish I could look at myself the way he looked at me. The way He looks at me. I wish I had unconditional love for myself. It might be a strange analogy, but I think we really are our own worst critics. I desire to love myself no matter what size my pants are, what color my skin is (even if standing in front of a white wall makes it appear as though I am in camouflage), and no matter what mistakes I have made or will make. I was so blessed by little Lucas. It certainly plants the seed in me even more to desire children, but that's a topic for another day.

Jesus said to them, "Let the children alone, don't prevent them from coming to me. God's kingdom is made up of people like these." -Matthew 19:14

Good Grief

I'm sitting in one of my most favorite places on Earth, Caribou Coffee in Grandview, OH. This is where my first employment experience with Caribou began. I always make sure to visit this one while I'm in town. In town means I'm in Columbus, OH. I was born and raised in Buckeye central. While here, I got to see my cousins, a couple aunts and uncles and my brother and sisters. We cleaned out my Mom's condo. Well, I say we, but somehow they were done by the time I got there. Oops. Now, we're going through her stuff. It is weird. I can still picture my Mom opening the front door of her condo and greeting my twin sister and I by shouting, "Girlies!" as we pulled into the driveway. Losing a parent, or loved one in general, is a surreal experience.

We began looking through some of her kitchen stuff and most of it was used as she made big family dinners for us. It got me thinking how she will never be with us for another holiday. She isn't going to be there for my graduation as I get my master's degree. Whenever I start dating someone, she isn't going to be able to meet him. Actually, whoever that special guy is won't have the pleasure of meeting my parents. It truly was a pleasure. I absolutely loved doing things with my parents. As I sit here in my favorite coffee shop, it was my Dad who loved this place too. He would give my sister and I money so we could go even if our Mom was complaining about how much money we were spending on coffee drinks. He'd sneak us a few bucks each and say, "Go get your coffee kiddos." To many others, Caribou Coffee is just another coffee shop. To me, it reminds me of my Dad. There is so much more to this place than just the drinks and the atmosphere. I picture my Dad sipping on his coffee, sitting there with a newspaper getting ready to crack a joke without breaking a smile. My Mom even came and visited me a couple times while I worked here. She was not a big coffee drinker, but I think as we got older she began to understood our obsession of coffee.

It feels physically impossible to fully understand the ramifications of losing both my parents within four years of each other. I do not have the people who loved me the most in this life. When I was younger and got a good grade in school, I would run in the doors and shout it at the rooftops and my parents would tell me how proud they were of me. Sometimes my Dad did not even have to say a word, I could tell how he felt by just a look he gave me. He was also a man who showed us how much he loved us by doing things for us. As little girls, my sister and I actually went shopping more with our Dad than our Mom. I felt so loved in this family. I still do, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying, but a family sure feels a lot different without the parents. I am trying to make sense of all of this. I'm trying to learn how to grieve in a healthy way for my Mom's passing, because I don't think I did much but shove it down into myself when my Dad passed away. In some ways, I feel like I'm grieving the loss of both of them.

People have told me how they think I'm strong. What does that mean to be strong when a parent (or both) passes away? I'm continuing on with my life the best way I know how. I'm still in classes and doing pretty well I think. I feel called to my counseling program and I love the classes and the people. I wasn't about to stop my classes. I certainly understand why other people would, but I did not want to. I'm making a new "normal." I'm trying not to isolate myself and I'm trying to build friendships. Everything in life is different. I'm trying to live while grieving. I'm glad I went to Columbus this weekend. Sometimes I feel stuck in Ashland, and I don't just mean physically. There is something about going to Columbus that helps me feel free. To be honest, I feel like guys find me attractive here. I don't get any feedback like that while in Ashland. Maybe it's because I live on a seminary campus, but it sure helps to be out and about around lots of people. There are lots of possibilities here (guys included). I wonder if I will move back here after graduated from Ashland. I have absolutely no idea where life is going to take me. I'm looking forward to the taking though. I need change, I need newness in my life. Onward I go.

Confronting my Worth

I've discovered that before I can really focus on my homework, I have to get out all the things that are floating around in my mind. I'm sitting in Starbucks while I write this. It's not Caribou, but it's the closest thing I have. I'm sure you'll begin to see my obsession with Caribou Coffee as you get to know me through my writings. Anyway, I'm eating a warm doughnut and a caramel machiatto. All my senses are engaged in glorious ways as I am writing this. It's a dark, dreary day, I'm feeling kind of blah, but I have a certain excitement in me for the things to come. I'm looking forward to this quarter ending, the cruise I'm going on at the end of the quarter, new interesting classes, my friend is moving in with me, then next year I'm going to be a Graduate Assistant in my counseling program and I start seeing clients. Those are only the big things coming up. There are a lot of smaller things that I'm looking forward to like finding a home church and really building a family of friends around me. I've begun that process, but I desire to have so many friends that I don't know what to do with myself. Part of that is getting out and meeting people and then the other part is building the relationship. If I don't know you well, I would like to!
I've really been taking a look at how I go about having friendships. I have realized that in many ways I have been a people pleaser. I haven't stood up to people when something they did bothered me. I just let it slide right by until it ends up under my skin. I've started to ask myself, why am I so afraid to stand up to people? Why am I so afraid of confrontation? Doesn't it make relationships stronger when you can deal with disagreements in a healthy way? To me, healthy means letting concerns be known and working through them. I think a lot of what I struggle with in relationships comes back to how I feel about myself. Am I important enough to bring up this concern? Do I have worth in this person's eyes? I really do care what people think, but it is to my detriment sometimes. It is the end of the world if not everyone likes me? No... it's not. I don't want people not to like me but if standing up for what I believe in and confronting people when I am being wronged means they won't, then so be it.
The word, "confrontation," is scary. I don't have many good images of what it looks like. For some reason, a cat fight between two girls pulling each other's hair out and scratching each other is what comes to mind. "He's mine!" "No, he's mine!" Etc. I certainly don't want that. I think confrontation can be gentle. It doesn't have to be scary at all. I've been known to run from confrontation and I know people who have. Maybe we should ask ourselves, why are we running? Wouldn't my relationship with this person be better if I listened to what they have to say? It's something to think about.

*Question for Guys*

One form of confrontation I've been thinking about lately is between guys and girls. I have a question for guys in general, but especially Christian guys, what are you thinking about when it comes to asking a girl out? What are the things that must be there in order for you to ask her out? How long do you wait before asking her out? Do you do it right away or do you wait to get to know her a bit? I have these questions because I've been talking to a lot of my female friends lately and most of us could use some input on how the mind of guys works in this area. I personally think guys are confusing in this area. Most of you guys are hard to read and you don't always ask girls out when you're interested. It would be so much easier if guys were clear about their intentions. I honestly think that in Christian dating circles, dating is way too overspiritualized. (To be clear, I use the term dating to mean dating with the purpose of marriage in mind) Of course, I believe it's important to follow God's guidance, but there comes a point where it's your choice to ask the girl out. Asking a girl out for coffee is not the same as proposing. There is entirely too much pressure there that does not need to be there.
I want to encourage guys to take the leap and ask the girl out. It's alright if she says no. There are so many amazing single girls out there that I wish guys would take the chance and get to know them. I'll include myself in that category. It's kind of hard to get to know guys sometimes and that's frustrating. I do have a question for the women as well...

*Question for the Ladies* (Men feel free too...)

Okay, so we desire a man to pursue us... but, what do we do when that's not happening? I personally am somewhat of a natural leader which means I have hard time waiting for a guy to make the move. When I want something to get done, or a relationship to happen in this case, I don't like leaving it in someone else's hands. I have asked guys out in the past and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with letting a guy know how you feel, but I want to be pursued. I want to be so intriguing to a young man that he can't hold back from pursuing me. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way. Being patient in this area is not my forte. I've been asking myself why. If I believe that God knows me, He knows my desires and He wants to give me the desires of my heart, why am I so impatient? Why do I carry the burden of having to say something or do something to get a relationship to happen? Maybe part of this impatience comes from being single for a little over 4 years now. Even before that I've had one official boyfriend for a short time.
I've never been with a significant other during Christmas, my birthday or really any other big holiday. I've never been in love. I desire these things a lot. I desire to be known by a man and to know him. I want to cook dinner for my man, bake him cookies, go on adventures, share stories, laughter and Christmas gifts. I desire these things so much that it's hard to be patient. I know I'm only 23, but people start dating as young as 13 these days. I know that's not serious at that age, but I've been in the dating scene for about 10 years. I feel like I've been desiring these things for a long time. I trust that it will happen, hopefully sooner than later, but it's hard waiting. I don't like not having control over an area in my life. It's a good thing God knows me better than I know myself and he knows my future husband. I love the idea of God writing my love story because then it will be better than anything I could have dreamed off myself.
One thing I want to reiterate for many single women out there, let's live our lives while we wait! I know having a husband (or boyfriend or really a prospect) is a huge desire, but there are so many things to do before that while we're single. Personally, I have been learning a ton about my identity and not letting it come from what other people think. I want to stand firm in who I am and not get all my self-worth from a man. My worth comes from the God who made me. That worth can never be taken away from me. I could talk forever on this topic, but I won't. I encourage men to ask women out, I encourage women to take a chance with a guy who may not have initially caught your attention and I encourage all of us to live each day at a time. I'm learning to be in the moment, the here and now. My future is not in my hands, but this moment is.

"13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139: 13-16

Working Through Everything

Hello blogging world!
I first put a post on here in July. I couldn't keep up with it back then and I didn't really desire to, but in the past few months I've discovered the wonder of typing out my thoughts. I've journaled before, but typing is much more effective. I have so much to say that my hand gets tired before I'm done writing it all. I've essentially been blogging but I was just saving what I wrote to my computer, not putting it online. I decided to post the workings of my mind online so that people can feel free to read them and put in their two cents. I've been working through a lot and I think it will be good to get it out of my mind onto "paper." I'm hoping I will be able to keep up with this and that people will enjoy reading it. Even if no one else reads it, I am enjoying writing it. Here are some ponderings of a girl figuring out how to navigate herself, her friends and family, seminary and her life in general. Let the day begin...