My laundry is just about done. My bags are just about packed. Vacation is almost here. I've been running around all day getting things together. I've been trying to clean a bit, but my apartment is still a mess. I still need to iron a couple dresses. I finally turned in my last assignment even though it was a bit late, it was turned in. I am free. I do not have to think about anything for the next week except about what I want to eat or how long I want to sit on the beach. This is a much-needed vacation! I haven't been to the beach in a few years now. I've never been on a cruise. There's a first time for everything, that's for sure! I'm so excited, I can hardly contain my squealing. I need to get away and just be. Get away from distractions, homework and all of that stuff. I want to go sit in the sunshine that is so bright it is soul-healing. I need it. I want to leave all my fears, worries, and concerns behind. I want to be recharged for a great summer.
I'm really looking forward to this summer. I started making a list of everything I want to do. I want to go to Chicago since I've never been there. I want to take guitar lessons and maybe even drum lessons. I want to grow with God as well as find a church I can call home. I also want to lose weight and get in shape. These past four years have been really hard and I have my waistline to show for it. I'm learning to separate food from my emotions but it's not easy. I'm used to celebrating by eating deliciousness and also eating when I'm sad. Ice cream and desserts make my heart feel better emotionally, but not physically. I'm ready to have the body I've always wanted, but I'm trying to love myself no matter what. It's not easy when our culture says you have to look a certain way or you won't be attractive to guys. Or that if you don't look a certain way then you're not important or worthy. Stupid culture. There's this struggle with loving myself no matter what and wanting to be thin so I'll be more attractive. It's hard to kick something that has been so ingrained in me.
I bought the book, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge to read over vacation and this summer. I started reading it a few years ago and lost it, but I want to read it with a fresh pair of eyes. The premise behind the book is that every woman desires to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure and to be the Beauty of a story. Wow, I desire those things with all of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I will be the Beauty of a story? Is a guy going to be so wooed by me that I will have an irreplaceable role in an adventure with him? I'm kind of overweight, will a guy still love me and find me attractive? I want more than anything in the world to be captivating. To be the woman who God made me to be.
This reminds me of a guy in one of my classes. I say guy, but he's probably 30-40 years older than me. He was telling us about how he has a picture of his wife on his desk of when she was a little girl. You may think that seems strange, why would he have an old picture of his wife when she was little? Well, it is because looking at that picture reminds him to be the husband that his wife dreamed about when she was young. He wants to be the man she dreamt of being in an adventure with. The man who was captivated by her beauty and still is.
In my Foundations of Bible Study class, we studied Mark 1-8. There was one part that stood out to me one day when we were going over our assignments. In Mark 5:25-34, there was a woman who was hemorraging for 12 years. She tried many doctors and treatments but nothing helped her. In her culture, she would have been considered unclean. No one would have been able to touch her and no one would have wanted her to touch them. She could not just go into a crowd of people, but she did when she knew that Jesus would be there. Plus, she was a woman so she had even lower standing in the culture. She went into the crowd and touched Jesus' cloak. Jesus did not tell her to get away, but he greeted her with an intimate word. He called her, "daughter" and he healed her. He did not see that she was "unclean." By healing her physically, he probably also healed her emotionally, spiritually and in every way. He brought her out of her shame and loneliness. She no longer needed to be an outcast. She no longer needed to yell, "Unclean!" when going into town. He took that horrible identity that was placed on her away. He did not just say, "woman" or "friend." He called her, "daughter."
The thing is I am a daughter of Jesus too. He doesn't just see me as "unclean" either. That is powerful. I don't need to stay in shame or in an identity that culture puts on me. Sometimes it seems like people who are overweight or obese are seen like "unclean" people were back then. Some people pay so much attention to outside appearance, that they don't have anything to do with people who struggle with their weight. It sure is a good thing that God looks at the heart. He doesn't just look at the outside like our culture does. That's not to say that God doesn't care about our outward appearance. He cares that we take care of ourselves, but he doesn't only look at our outward appearance.
1 Samuel 16:7 "... the Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
The mirror does not define me. God, please work on the inside of me so that I can work on the outside. Maybe the next cruise I go on, I'll be a new woman on the inside and out. I won't be on here for a week. I'm going to miss it... but the beach is worth it. I'm learning how to be loved and how to love myself. It's a lifelong journey. BelovedMe, please.
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