To be lovely

I haven't left my apartment today. There's a pile of used tissues sitting on the floor next to me. An empty mug sitting on my coffee table. Chamomile tea. Dresses are hanging in the opening between the kitchen and living room. It's still messy. I still have to unpack from my vacation. I'm recovering from a cold. I haven't had much energy until a couple hours ago when I made a delicious, healthy dinner which consisted of cilanto lime and garlic chicken, wild rice, green beans and a salad with fresh basil, tomato, fresh mozzarella, purple onion, olive oil and vinegar. I decided that I am going to lose weight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and being unhappy. It was a big wake up call when I saw all those fit girls on the cruise and then saw myself. So much has happened recently that I haven't even taken time to really look in the mirror until now. How did I get here? How did I gain 40-50 lbs over a period of 4 years? I'm ready to change. I want to be happy with how I look... but I don't want to concentrate this post completely on that.
I'm not really sure what is on my mind right now. I'm hurting, I miss my Mom a lot. I'm looking forward to potential trips this summer. I'm looking forward to getting in shape. I'm looking forward to having my friend move in with me. I'm looking forward to building friendships, ones I already have and building new ones. I'm looking forward to being the best me that I possibly can on the inside and out. Why is it so much easier to see beauty in other people than in yourself? I don't look at other peoples weight, but I notice my own. My self-esteem has really taken a beating. I'm nowhere near as confident as I used to be. I used to turn heads when I walked into a room. I don't anymore. Not that I have to turn heads, but it was nice. My friends used to say, "We can't take Angela anywhere!" Guys would talk to me a lot... that hasn't happened in a while. I'm not sure if it's because I've gained weight or lost my confidence, or both. I want my confidence back regardless of what I look like.
God, please give me confidence. Help me love myself the way you love me. Help me love myself no matter what I look like. Help me get in shape and eat healthy. I want to feel beautiful. It's been a long time since I have. I didn't realize how deep these feelings go. I'm gonna be me, no matter what that is. I'm lovely the way that I am, no matter what size I am. The man for me will find me lovely how I am, but I want to lose weight and get healthy for me. I want to be attractive to men but this is for me. I'm ready. Let's do this one step at a time. I want to be a new creation in every way. Let's go...