Blessings Are Here

My heart cannot believe the amount of grace that has been given to me

The joy that bubbles up inside

The blessings that overflow

The peace that helps me take it all in nice and slow

As I sit in my room I am reminded

of all the things I have and the people who love me as I love them

I have clothing in my closet, jewelry and makeup on my dresser

I have running water and food in my kitchen

I have heat and blankets and a bed

I have a place I can call my own, my sanctuary, a place to lay my head

I am studying to get my masters degree as a young woman at a seminary

Things could be much different if I was born at a different time

I can drive, vote, be a leader and do the things I want to do

There are still problems now, but I do not see them as much

I am so busy with reading, studying, living and such

As a counselor, I want to help those hurting souls

Who have no where to turn and no one to talk to

People who are afraid they are crazy and are unsure where to go

Looking to hear someone say, you are not alone

A safe place with love and acceptance

With hope for those of God's children and care for those

Who are dealt a hand in life that is not fair

Sometimes it is their own doing and sometimes it is not,

But in this fallen world, we have to deal with what is our lot

It is not easy, it can take a lot of time

It is hard to know where to start or how to get there

But it is a process that is done together, it is shared

The counselor and the client working towards a goal

To help with the pain and bringing healing to their soul

I am honored to help the people who come to see me

I am blessed beyond belief to have what I do

Although I have had hardships and losses, I have seen a few

There is good in my life that I want to share

With God as my Savior, I have riches that with nothing else can they ever compare

So I am a woman trying to figure out this thing called living

With bruises, hurts, joy and love

With everything in me, I am called to giving

Giving my heart, my care, my knowledge I've learned

That none of the grace or blessings I've received could ever be earned

My God gives graciously to those who follow Him

We may not get what we want or ask for

But He is the one who knows what is best

In this promise, I can surely rest

I may not know why things happen the way they do

Why people die, sickness is rampant and people are hurt

Why people are homeless and hungry, and they don't have so much as a shirt

God, this life is unfair for in Eden we no longer exist

All I can do is trust and know that He is in our midst

She is Mine

I shift from the right to the left

I look, I fear, I desire

Is anybody there?

My heart has had this question for 24 years

If they knew me, would they leave?

If they knew that I don't have it all together,

would they accept the pieces that I've tried so hard to hide?

The decisions, anxiety, questions and thoughts

Am I alone in all these times I have cried?

All things at once swirling in my mind

The uncertainty, the desire to be known and loved

The desire to be worth it all

Will this ever happen?

She has looked in the wrong places and her search continues on

Is she pretty, do they like her, is she enough?

She is more than her past, present or future

This woman is worth much more than gold

Nothing has more worth than her, not even rubies

From the beginning of time, she was created in the image of the Holy one

Forgiven and blessed by God's only son

Not a day goes by where she is not a thought

For her soul, body and life, He has always fought

Day and night, hearing her heart's very beat

Next to His mighty throne, she always has a seat

She wonders how such a God could love her so

With the mistakes and sins she's made

He continues to say, "Be not afraid."

He is here to bring peace, joy and love

There is not a time where He is not looking down on her from above

She feels tainted and bruised beyond repair

His healing powers never pay attention to what is fair

He loves her and pursues her until her last breath

Saying my bride, I love you, please wear this white dress

In this Together

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be in a relationship. I have not had much experience doing this the right way. I've allowed myself to be used and I've used men for all the wrong reasons. Through the pain and brokenness, my heart was searching for something real and lovely. My heart was longing for someone to see me. For someone to see past the things I do to make it seem like everything is okay all the time. To accept me even when I make mistakes, when I'm not happy all the time and to be okay just sitting with me in silence. I want to be okay just sitting in silence as well. Just the two of us with no music, no movies, and no distractions. Just two people, two hearts, vulnerable and open to the other. A safe place where I can just be still in his arms, not feel pressure to wear make up and I can wear pajamas because he's not with me just because of how I look. He's with me because of my heart, mind, and soul. I am with him for the same reasons.

My brother used to ask me why I wasn't dating anyone. I responded with saying that it's not for lack of men, it's for a lack of good men. Men asked me out with a myriad of motives and I was with some of them for multiple reasons as well. I did not know how to be in a healthy, God-honoring relationship. To be honest, I'm still figuring out exactly how to be in healthy relationships with friends and family. Relationships are not easy things to maneuver. They take lots of work from both parties. They take time, energy and emotions. The thing is though, they are completely worth it. We need each other in this life. Sometimes you may need to make decisions about which friendships that you will give energy to at which point in your life, but they are so important. Life is not meant to be lived alone my friends. I'm not talking about romantic relationships here even though those are great, I'm talking about having people around you that love you for you. You and me, we deserve wonderful relationships. Not because we are so amazing, but because God desires to give us community. He made us to be in community with one another. What is life if there is no one to share it with? No one to see you or hear you, or give you a hug when you need it. We all desire to be known to the core of who we are. Jesus knows us that way, but we need people in the flesh to know us that way too.

All of that is to say that I came up with some ideas of what it could look like to experience God's best in a Christian relationship. I recently entered into a relationship and it's scary as all get out. I'm learning about new parts of me, how to be a girlfriend and how to be me in the midst of it all. Sometimes I feel anxiety while figuring this out. I have realized that I'm not in any hurry although I feel like I was living that way before. There is such a pressure to get married at this point in time and I deeply desire to get married one day. I have no desire to do that before the time and person are right. All I can do is take one step at a time as God lights the way just enough for me to be able to see a few inches in front of me. I jumped in head first and I'm figuring this out, well we're figuring it out together. That's the key, this is done together. In hardships and heart warming times, we are together. Here are the bits about experiencing God's best in a relationship. You're worth someone who sees you as having immense worth. Don't forget how important you are. Don't give up hope. You're worth it.

- Finding someone who will love me for me, not just for the physical pleasure I can provide or for some other specific trait and vice versa.

- My significant other does not just see my past and mistakes, but sees what God is doing in me and what could be. We have the hope of Christ in each other. I see him for all he is, the good and the bad and he does the same for me.

- Someone who cares about me no matter how I am feeling, whether that is sad, anxious, or happy. He wants to be with me whether or not I have something to say. We are not responsible for each -others happiness although that is wonderful when we make each other happy. I am not there to keep him entertained and he is not there to keep me entertained. I am there to share life with him as he does with me.

- Someone who shows Jesus’ love to me through them. They also encourage me to follow Jesus as I do the same for them.

- Neither of us has to give up complete parts of ourselves to be with the other. There is sacrifice and negotiation, but we are each still two separate people that are coming together in a relationship.

- We spend time together and work on our togetherness, whether that is cuddling, going out with friends or going to some sporting event. We also spend time apart with friends or by ourselves. We need to have time to ourselves.

- We are both uncertain of the future, but are willing to jump into the unknown together. We are willing to leave behind the safety of singleness as we become a team that is together to follow Christ and to care for one another. We try to stay focused on the here and now instead of what may happen in the future. We can only be in the moment together because God does not ensure us that there will be another one.

- We are both willing and working towards purity in our physical relationship. We accept that we are not perfect, but we are learning how to practice self-control, how to honor each other’s desires and how to honor God in this area of our lives and relationship.

- We support each other in our hobbies, interests and decisions. We discuss them and may not always agree, but we have the best interest of the other person in mind.

- We do not exist for each other, we exist for Christ. It is an honor to get to share our lives together.

- We share our thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams with each other. There needs to be open communication.

- We are able to resolve conflict in a healthy way, as well as tell each other when something is bothering us so we can work through it.

- Our relationship is not a sprint towards the finish. It is taking one small step at a time. We deal with everything as it comes and we move forward. Sometimes we have to stay in one area for a little while but the focus is onward and upward. There is no hurry for anything.

- Marriage is not the ultimate goal necessarily, honoring God and each other are. No matter what happens, we learned, made memories and honored God as well as each other. If things do not work out, this was still a wonderful, healing experience. If the relationship works towards marriage, then that is wonderful as well.

- We are sharing life together on this journey that God has called us on. There will be bumps; there will be times that it is as smooth as vanilla ice cream and times that are crazy. This is a divine adventure that we get to partake in. We will make mistakes, we will do amazing things together and there will be all sorts of in between. It might be messy sometimes, we may need to put up boundaries in different areas and we may need to do all sorts of things. This sounds like a lot of work, but if the person you’re with is the right one, it is all worth it.

- There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. We are two imperfect people coming together to make something that is beautiful with the one who is perfect, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Sweet Wonder

My heart goes ba bump, ba bump

It sings with grace

In the waters unknown

There is something to be said

How have I not known this wonder before?

How have I not seen this joy?

How have I not been blessed with this radiance before?

I have missed out

With each thankful breath I know

With each stride I move in the right direction

Inside my sometimes fragile shell

I sigh and think to myself, it is well

The time has come to let the leader lead the way

I hold on tight for I have no idea where this train shall go

It is a new territory that is covered with questions and a sweet breeze

But it is wonderful knowing I'm called here, it makes me feel at ease

I'm jumping in with fear and peace at my side

I'm taking a leap of faith for God's plan for me is great

I take a chance and go into the abyss of the unknown

For it is the Father who guides me and loves me until the day that I go home