Am I Worth It?

I've been wrestling this week. I've been wrestling with God and myself... my thoughts, assumptions and core beliefs. I've been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself because I've been wracked with anxiety while seeing clients. I wrote down all my automatic thoughts which included, "I'll be a failure if I mess up," "My clients won't like me and they'll find me incompetent," and "Everyone will think I'm not worthwhile or competent." I had this terrible fear of messing up. I put enormous pressure on myself to get things right. I was being very careful with my clients, which is good to a point, but I need to be bold and be able to be assertive. I realized how much power I give to others when feeling worthwhile or not. I am a recovering people-pleaser. I thought if I went along with other people thought, they'd like me. I tried so hard to not offend people. I put what other people think very high on a pedestal. What other people think has been what defined me and gave me my worth. If I offended someone or was too assertive with them, I thought I would be not worthwhile anymore if they did not like me. I put everything on what other people think which can create a huge amount of fear in counseling and in my relationships in general. Today is the day that my worth is no longer in other people's hands and not even in mine, it is in His.

There are some things that I have believed about my worth since my parents passed away. I have felt that maybe I was not worth having parents alive for longer than my 24 years. I prayed for healing briefly, but I did not feel like I was worth enough for God to hear my prayers. I have struggled with my worth for years, but I did not know it until recently. I didn't specifically say in my mind, "I'm not worthwhile," but I had many other fears going on in my mind. If I do this or that, people won't like me and they'll leave. If I say this, they'll think I'm stupid and won't want to spend time with me. They won't think I'm worthwhile. I put so much emphasis on my actions towards others and others actions towards me to define me and tell me how much I am worth. In the book I read for my Diagnosis of Mood and Anxiety Disorders called, "Feeling Good," by David Burns, it says that if you are born into this world you have worth. Much of our anxiety and depression comes from all the negative thoughts that go on in our minds about how much we are worth. It is so true. Just being born in this world automatically gives us worth, but our culture says otherwise. It is difficult to believe because people do not react like that. But I refuse to let my worth depend on what other people think or say. Even if a client tells me that they think I'm incompetent or not worthwhile to give them help, that will not shatter me because what I think about myself and my worth, does not depend on them.

Wow, I've struggled with this idea for years. I let other people tell me how important, or not, that I was. I write about this idea of worth a lot in my blogs because it is something that is so difficult to change. Since I've believed for so long that I'm not worthwhile, it's hard to believe it now. I drew a picture and posted it in my room. It says, "My worth is not dependent on what others do or say, or what I do or say, it is constant." It cannot be taken away from me even from my own actions. This even applies to thinking about what guys would be interested in dating me. I've had a hard time thinking that a strong Christian, wonderful man would want to date me for multiple reasons. Some involving how I look... which no one has a say in either. I choose to look at myself as a canvas and I can decorate myself however I want.

All of this to say, I am not going to let other people tell me who I am or how I should be. That decision is not theirs to make. My worth is secure. God made me who I am. I am not my twin sister, my friends or anyone else, I am me. He called me to this field of counseling and even through my fear of falling flat on my face, I am doing this. I've made it this far, I can't imagine God would let me fall on my face. I know what I said about God letting my parents die because I'm not important is not true, but I'm still angry with God. It's going to take a while for me to be able to freely come to Him. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have a lot of stuff to work through during this time. I feel better tonight, but I know that I will need reassurance of my worth again and again. That's one reason I wanted to write this blog, so I can go back and look at it when I'm feeling anxious again. I know I can do this. I know my Mom would tell me that I can do this. I am going to take one moment at a time. That's all I can handle right now. I need to have more weekends like this where I can watch Netflix and draw and just lounge on the couch. It has been wonderful in the midst of the busiest time of my life.

Here I go... walk with me through this, I ask you. I am going to be a professional helper, but I need help too. I've realized how I have been going through a lot of this alone this week. No more being alone all the time. I'm facing my fears with God and the people around me. I'm worthwhile and so are you. No one has a vote in that. We are innately full of worth as people. I am going to be a competent professional counselor. Yeah, me a professional... that's a new thought, but it's going to happen! I'm not going anywhere but forward from here.

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I can barely lift up my arms. Each time I think about them my head and stomach ache in a way that takes my breathe away. I wish I could sleep for a long time. I wish that I could sleep until the grief passes and then wake up with it gone. I have never felt something that scoops in until it reaches my soul and then it takes everything with it. If I were a well, it would be completely dry. I have been running full speed ahead and I'm panting because I haven't sat down long enough to rest. I desire more than anything to help people, but I'm empty. I don't feel like I have much of anything to give right now. Questions have been running through my mind: Can I do this? Am I ready and competent enough to do this? Do I have what it takes to help people? Am I worth people spending time and energy on me to help me be a counselor? What if I really mess up? What if people think I'm not good at it? Or that I'm a failure? If I mess up... I have to face those mistakes in the people I am trying to help. Messing up when it comes to people is different than messing up when doing a homework assignment. I have put so much pressure on myself, that in itself could wear me out without all these other things...

I wrote that yesterday during one of the biggest grief explosions I have ever faced. I took today off from life and have basically been sitting on my couch all day, snuggled under a blanket in the corner. Today I did not do much thinking. I relaxed, watched some Netflix and just recently had a long conversation with my roommate about many things. There are so many things going on in my mind that I figured it wouldn't hurt to write them down. One of the biggest things I'm working on is figuring out what I am afraid of while in the counseling room. I have some insecurities that come in there with me and I'm trying to figure out what they are, possibly where they came from and how I can work on them. I struggle with feeling like I should have something to say. I think that other people could handle certain things better than I could. I would like more complicated clients to see people who have more experience, who know what they're doing. I have a hard time seeing myself as someone who people can come to for help. I am unsure of what I have to offer because sometimes I feel like I don't have much at all.

Stepping into my calling of counseling has been one of the most difficult things I have done so far in my life, especially while struggling with grief. It's easy for me to see the strengths and gifts in other people, but it is much more difficult in myself. Something Dr. Wardle said this week was that, "There are three things in life that no one has a vote on. They are your identity, your worth and your calling." I have realized that I let other people vote on all of those things. My worth is very much found in what other people think of me. Just this week, when I was crying all over the place, I had to see my supervisor so I went even though I was a mess. I saw a few friends and talked to them, but I never would have if I did not have an appointment scheduled. Those friends saw me at my worst. I do not like for people to see me like that, but they did and they accepted me with open arms. People do not get rid of me when I'm not happy. The not as fun parts of me were exposed and they weren't rejected. I think part of why I have a difficult time being around friends for extended periods of time are that I don't know what will happen if certain parts of me are revealed. I place a lot of emphasis on what people think and I want to change that.
I am going to do my best in the counseling office and I am going to be in there and everywhere. I do not want to wear a mask of happiness when I don't feel that way. My smile is legit about 95% of the time, but there is a small amount of time that I smile because I don't want to show how I'm really feeling. I am learning what it is to be me. What it means to feel all sorts of emotions around different people, to be bold and state my opinion and be able to confront someone if they are bothering me. I don't know if we ever completely know who we are, but I would like to be more secure in who I am so far. I've come a long way but there is still much more distance to be traveled in that area. Why am I so afraid of people not liking me? Why am I afraid of my clients' reactions to the things I say or do? What would happen if someone didn't like me? What would happen if I did offend someone?
There are so many questions in my mind right now. I have so much learning to do about myself. This is so difficult, but I believe it is worth it to go through these struggles. I am becoming a counselor. I am finding my identity in Him. I am trying to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am facing my insecurities and fears as I spend time with people. People really mean everything to me. Nothing else in life means anything if it is not for the people in it. You can have nice things, a good job, a big house and a fancy car, but if you don't have people who love you and who you love as well, it doesn't mean anything. Things don't keep you warm at night, they don't offer a loving embrace when you're hurting or crack a joke when you do something silly. Things don't stand by you when you're going through the most difficult time in life that you've ever faced. Things don't smile at you just because. People do. We are made for each other in this life. Hopefully this blog isn't jumping all over the place. Well, actually, if it does and that bothers you then too bad. I wrote it and it doesn't really matter what you think because my worth and identity don't come from you. I refuse to put that power into your hands, only in His :)