Am I Worth It?

I've been wrestling this week. I've been wrestling with God and myself... my thoughts, assumptions and core beliefs. I've been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself because I've been wracked with anxiety while seeing clients. I wrote down all my automatic thoughts which included, "I'll be a failure if I mess up," "My clients won't like me and they'll find me incompetent," and "Everyone will think I'm not worthwhile or competent." I had this terrible fear of messing up. I put enormous pressure on myself to get things right. I was being very careful with my clients, which is good to a point, but I need to be bold and be able to be assertive. I realized how much power I give to others when feeling worthwhile or not. I am a recovering people-pleaser. I thought if I went along with other people thought, they'd like me. I tried so hard to not offend people. I put what other people think very high on a pedestal. What other people think has been what defined me and gave me my worth. If I offended someone or was too assertive with them, I thought I would be not worthwhile anymore if they did not like me. I put everything on what other people think which can create a huge amount of fear in counseling and in my relationships in general. Today is the day that my worth is no longer in other people's hands and not even in mine, it is in His.

There are some things that I have believed about my worth since my parents passed away. I have felt that maybe I was not worth having parents alive for longer than my 24 years. I prayed for healing briefly, but I did not feel like I was worth enough for God to hear my prayers. I have struggled with my worth for years, but I did not know it until recently. I didn't specifically say in my mind, "I'm not worthwhile," but I had many other fears going on in my mind. If I do this or that, people won't like me and they'll leave. If I say this, they'll think I'm stupid and won't want to spend time with me. They won't think I'm worthwhile. I put so much emphasis on my actions towards others and others actions towards me to define me and tell me how much I am worth. In the book I read for my Diagnosis of Mood and Anxiety Disorders called, "Feeling Good," by David Burns, it says that if you are born into this world you have worth. Much of our anxiety and depression comes from all the negative thoughts that go on in our minds about how much we are worth. It is so true. Just being born in this world automatically gives us worth, but our culture says otherwise. It is difficult to believe because people do not react like that. But I refuse to let my worth depend on what other people think or say. Even if a client tells me that they think I'm incompetent or not worthwhile to give them help, that will not shatter me because what I think about myself and my worth, does not depend on them.

Wow, I've struggled with this idea for years. I let other people tell me how important, or not, that I was. I write about this idea of worth a lot in my blogs because it is something that is so difficult to change. Since I've believed for so long that I'm not worthwhile, it's hard to believe it now. I drew a picture and posted it in my room. It says, "My worth is not dependent on what others do or say, or what I do or say, it is constant." It cannot be taken away from me even from my own actions. This even applies to thinking about what guys would be interested in dating me. I've had a hard time thinking that a strong Christian, wonderful man would want to date me for multiple reasons. Some involving how I look... which no one has a say in either. I choose to look at myself as a canvas and I can decorate myself however I want.

All of this to say, I am not going to let other people tell me who I am or how I should be. That decision is not theirs to make. My worth is secure. God made me who I am. I am not my twin sister, my friends or anyone else, I am me. He called me to this field of counseling and even through my fear of falling flat on my face, I am doing this. I've made it this far, I can't imagine God would let me fall on my face. I know what I said about God letting my parents die because I'm not important is not true, but I'm still angry with God. It's going to take a while for me to be able to freely come to Him. I also know that I cannot do this alone. I have a lot of stuff to work through during this time. I feel better tonight, but I know that I will need reassurance of my worth again and again. That's one reason I wanted to write this blog, so I can go back and look at it when I'm feeling anxious again. I know I can do this. I know my Mom would tell me that I can do this. I am going to take one moment at a time. That's all I can handle right now. I need to have more weekends like this where I can watch Netflix and draw and just lounge on the couch. It has been wonderful in the midst of the busiest time of my life.

Here I go... walk with me through this, I ask you. I am going to be a professional helper, but I need help too. I've realized how I have been going through a lot of this alone this week. No more being alone all the time. I'm facing my fears with God and the people around me. I'm worthwhile and so are you. No one has a vote in that. We are innately full of worth as people. I am going to be a competent professional counselor. Yeah, me a professional... that's a new thought, but it's going to happen! I'm not going anywhere but forward from here.