I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. I've been thinking about so many different things lately. This summer has changed me in a lot of ways. God has been working on me a lot. There are things from my past that hurt me a lot and I didn't even know it. There are things that I have told myself in certain situations in the past that are lies. For example, I was a leader of my youth group after I graduated from high school. I liked all the other leaders, but there were a few guys that did not talk to me. I tried talking to them sometimes but they never really talked to me. It frustrated me a lot and I assumed they didn't like me. I felt quite uncomfortable as one of the leaders and I eventually left. I had not thought much about this situation until about a week ago when I was having some problems getting to know people where I live now. There were a few people that didn't talk to me very much and it hit upon an old, but very real wound. I was hurt more deeply than I knew.
There were things that I told myself after this incident. I wondered why they didn't talk to me. I wondered what is wrong with me. Was there something about me that they didn't like so they just decided to not talk to me? I had all these questions and doubts about myself. I thought something was wrong with me. The thoughts and feelings I had as an 18 year old girl were brought back to mind when I was dealing with people who were not talking to me even when I made efforts to talk to them. I was talking about this with my roommate one morning and it brought me to tears. I had no idea how deep this went. She said, "Angela, there is nothing wrong with you." It brought me to the realization that I was carrying that around with me for all these years. Healing was already beginning to happen.
The more I thought and prayed about that past hurt and what was currently going on as I am becoming part of a new community in Ashland, I began to think about why these people may have a hard time having a friendship. Maybe they have been hurt in the past and were acting out of their own brokenness. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with me, personally. I had not thought about their side of things, I just assumed it was because of me. It's not. The people around me that I'm trying to meet and get to know have been tremendously hurt in relationships too. If I'm going through lots of rearranging, adding and taking away and healing while in seminary, other people must be too. It's hard to be in relationships while lots of other stuff is going on. You'd think the community would have arms open wide and be easy to get into, but it's not. It takes lots of work and time. It's hard to get into community in any new place. I'm determined to be friends with people even if they are going through hard times and aren't talking to me a lot. I'm going to spend time with them and be their friend until that brokenness stops keeping us apart. Maybe God wants to use me to help heal some wounds that came about from past friendships. I'm not going anywhere. I'm pushing through this hard time because these people are worth it and I am too.
So, I'm not working at the childcare anymore. After a week, I was feeling stressed and down. I thought that it would be great to be around kids and have more of a schedule, but it actually had the opposite effect on me. I said goodbye to that job and I felt free afterwards. I love kids, but I just don't have it in me right now to take care of them. There are times that taking care of myself is all I can focus on. Instead of working, I'm enjoying my summer a lot! I'm taking classes, I went to the Sara Bareilles concert tonight, I'm going to the beach next week, and I'm also celebrating my birthday this week. I'm trying to run to get ready for a half-marathon in October but I'm not sure that I'll be able to do it. My motivation comes and goes in dramatic waves. Some weeks I run 4 times or so and some weeks, maybe once or twice. I want to workout on a more consistent basis. I'm tired of having this extra weight. I'm learning to be happy with myself no matter what and I am, but I don't want to be overweight. I'm trying to figure out what to do about that.
I've also been thinking a lot about this upcoming school year. I was looking at some of the syllabi for my classes and I can tell that I'm going to be busy. They certainly seem like good classes but I will be doing lots of work. I'm looking forward to everything but I'm scared as well. Let's see... I've been thinking about guys lately too. There was a point this past week that I was kind of interested in 3 guys at once. Talk about confusing! I never know what to do in that area of my life. I've been trying to let God take over and be patient, but when I'm interested in someone and nothing happens for a long time, my patience wears down a lot. I want to take matters into my own hands, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. Rejection is scary! I've asked guys out before and I would probably only ask someone out to coffee at this point, but my confidence is that area has taken a beating. I have no idea who is interested. I don't know whether or not that guy(s) I am interested in feel the same way. I tend overanalyze things and get really impatient. How do I let God take control of this? What do I do when I'm interested in a guy and want him to pursue me but nothing is happening? Maybe he has no idea I'm interested. I would prefer not to ask guys out but I would if it comes down to it. I don't know what it means to let God take over, what do I do then? I have friends who are all for asking guys out and friends who think a guy should only do the pursuing. I have mixed feelings and I'm not sure what to do, if anything.
One thing I have been learning is to be me, no matter what that is at the time. I am not going to change for a guy. I am also not going to settle and I don't want the guy to either. I don't want to have too high of expectations but I'm still going to have high standards. I generally have no idea what type of guys are interested in me. There are times in the past where I was completely surprised that certain guys were interested in me because for whatever reason I assumed they wouldn't be. I really have no idea what guys are thinking. I always feel like I'm pretty darn obvious when I'm attracted to someone but who knows. I do know that there are times that I would really like to have a boyfriend and there are times I love being single. I'm waiting for the man who is right for me and will sweep me off my feet. I know there is someone out there who will. I'm not going to date someone just to have a boyfriend. I'd probably feel lonelier dating someone I didn't completely like than while being single. One of my cousins told me that she met her husband when she was 24. I pray that this is the year. I want to meet/find him. Or better yet, I want him to find me and pursue me completely.
I know there is nothing wrong with me. I have been hurt and so have other people, but I want to be with them through it all. I know I have a lot to learn as a friend and girlfriend, but I'm more than willing to learn. I know I am worth being pursued. There are many guys I'm interested in that aren't out of my league. I have no idea what "my league" even is, but I know I'm pretty awesome. I'm under construction, but there sure are some beautiful parts. There are some messy, broken parts but I'm a work in progess. I'm ready to keep on keeping on. I will run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Sometimes I get out of breathe easily, but I'm not giving up. I will never back down. I will stand for you and for me and for Him until I reach the finish line.
