Be Strong and Courageous and Smile

It has been a little while since I've posted anything. I've actually been fairly busy, which has been a welcome change. Of course, I've been relaxing this summer but I decided to pick up a childcare job. I wanted something extra to fill the time. There is a bit more that I need to do for this job than I thought going in, but there is something in me that desires to be with those kids. I don't know who they are yet, but I care about them already. Today, when I was sitting at a computer for hours doing the orientation stuff, there were many kids that walked by. My favorite though, were the infants sitting in this cool 6-seater stroller. They just smiled with everything in them when they went by. A smile so big they were about to burst with happiness. There is something so beautiful and pure about a child's smile. It touches me deeply. It's amazing what a smile can do.
This makes me think about myself, and others that are similar in that it is easy to smile. This time period in my life has made things a bit different sometimes, but normally, a smile is just about always on my face. This week has been one of those weeks where I am filled with joy. I am so thankful for a week like this just 4 months after my Mom passed away. I think I was made to smile. There is something so healing about receiving a smile at just the right time from the right person. When I worked at Caribou Coffee, I got many comments about how people appreciated my smiling face. Sometimes I was the first person they saw in the morning. I was never once faking it. There were times that I had annoying customers and stuff, where I had to not show my frustration, but the joy behind the smile was completely real. Makes me wonder where that joy comes from... I know it's not something I muster up.
I love that I can sit with a smile on face during a period of grieving. I think maybe I am accepting the loss a little bit more. There were so many things I was questioning... but, I am full of a certain peace right now. I've been asking God why He doesn't intervene more and why there is so much suffering in this world. I've more or less come to the conclusion that Jesus didn't die to take away suffering necessarily, but He died to bring us through it. There is a lot in this world that is left in our hands. Think about how much of suffering in this world is from someone sinning against another. Abuse, murder, lying, cheating, greed, and hate just to name a few. Makes me think that God kind of knows what He's talking about when He asks us not to do those things. This is a seriously broken world. But Jesus died to bring reconciliation and restoration to this broken world. He stands beside those who are grieving, those who are hurting... and He uses all of this suffering to build character, to help us learn and He uses it for our good and His glory. He uses us in our suffering and through it. What better person to counsel and help others who are grieving than someone who has been through it? My suffering, my broken road, can be used to help other people who are going through the same thing. I've had to grow up quickly the past few years. I'm going through things that most people do not go through until they are middle aged or a bit older.
Sometimes it blows my mind that God wants to use little 'ol me. Something I've struggled with for a long time is being important enough to be heard. I'm important. I have things to say and they're worth hearing. I am able to help people. I am a strong woman. I will make a man very happy someday. I have a lot to give. I am a wonderful catch. I'm confident no matter what I look like, no matter how many pounds I have gained through these hard times the past 4 years. I want to scream this stuff to the rooftops. I'm Angela and I matter! I'm motivated and driven. I will not give up. I am not going to left life slip by. I'm following Jesus but I'm also grabbing life by the reigns and riding off into the sunset. I have a purpose, in fact, many purposes. I am loved and I have love to give. My opinion matters. People want to spend time with me as I do with them. I am a twin, but on my own I'm just as important. I have my own passions and desires. I am His child. I am beautiful on the inside and out and I refuse to listen to anyone tell me differently.
Wow, that feels good to say those things. I had no idea how much I struggled with some of that stuff. I can feel my confidence getting higher. I've been learning so much about myself. As difficult as it has been, it has been worth every tear and hard time. I've been realizing and getting healing for things now at age 23 (almost 24) that a lot of people go a whole lifetime without addressing. The time is now. I love myself and I realize that not everyone else has to. My time as a people-pleaser is now over. I care for people but not to the detriment of my own opinion and self-respect. I will not be a floormat to be walked all over. I will speak up and not hold back because I think my opinion isn't worth saying. It is. If you do not like me because of something, well, sorry. I'm going to be me. I'm not holding back anymore. Fear will not take control of my life. I'm going to be strong and courageous and I'm going to do it with a smile. I'm completely, utterly me now.