Little Blessings, Big Difference

I sit here in my seminary apartment on a beautiful, yet hot May day. Today was the last day of my first year of grad school. I have a strange mixture of emotions stirring in me. I'm very excited of course, there is utter tiredness, some sadness at not seeing a lot of these people over the summer, and there is pure gratefulness. This year has been rough. Many people have spoken the word of perseverence over us as the first year counseling cohort and I have been realizing that I have been perservering through tears, pain, and everything in between. I really wonder how I got to this point of the year and of my life. This time last year I had just moved to Cleveland with my twin sister. We moved into a house in Lakewood that my sister was thinking about buying (long story!). I was waiting for my seminary career to start. I was working at two Caribou Coffee locations. My Mom was alive this time last year. I was a completely different person in many respects. I thought differently, my beliefs were different, I looked at others differently. I have changed. I am becoming the Angela I was created to be.

I've been wrestling with the question, who am I? Many of the things I thought I was have been combed through with a fine tooth comb. Who am I when my location has changed, my job has changed, my school has changed, and my family life has changed? What's left after I remove all of those things? I'm still learning the answers to those questions, but they are what are floating around in my mind. Sometimes I struggle with thinking that there is nothing there, especially when grief has swallowed me whole. Grieving takes so much out of me that there are days when I can hardly tell up from down. Things are being stripped away, but the good news is that new things are taking the place of those old, temporary things. There is a lot to me. It is being tweaked, stretched, and changed, but the core of who I am is still there. Finding your identity is a lifelong process, but I do know whose I am. I am His. He won my heart. My identity is based in something that can never be taken away.

Today, I had the honor of holding a little boy who has been through some tough medical problems. My classmate brought in her bundle of joy to share with us. He was so precious. He smiled, laughed and played while sitting in his Mom's lap. He kept looking at me. Those innocent little eyes captured my heart. He eventually reached out his arms and wanted me to hold him. He was so happy just to sit on my lap and play with my necklace. He was the definition of pure, unconditional love. All it took to make him happy was to be placed in my arms. I wish I could look at myself the way he looked at me. The way He looks at me. I wish I had unconditional love for myself. It might be a strange analogy, but I think we really are our own worst critics. I desire to love myself no matter what size my pants are, what color my skin is (even if standing in front of a white wall makes it appear as though I am in camouflage), and no matter what mistakes I have made or will make. I was so blessed by little Lucas. It certainly plants the seed in me even more to desire children, but that's a topic for another day.

Jesus said to them, "Let the children alone, don't prevent them from coming to me. God's kingdom is made up of people like these." -Matthew 19:14

Good Grief

I'm sitting in one of my most favorite places on Earth, Caribou Coffee in Grandview, OH. This is where my first employment experience with Caribou began. I always make sure to visit this one while I'm in town. In town means I'm in Columbus, OH. I was born and raised in Buckeye central. While here, I got to see my cousins, a couple aunts and uncles and my brother and sisters. We cleaned out my Mom's condo. Well, I say we, but somehow they were done by the time I got there. Oops. Now, we're going through her stuff. It is weird. I can still picture my Mom opening the front door of her condo and greeting my twin sister and I by shouting, "Girlies!" as we pulled into the driveway. Losing a parent, or loved one in general, is a surreal experience.

We began looking through some of her kitchen stuff and most of it was used as she made big family dinners for us. It got me thinking how she will never be with us for another holiday. She isn't going to be there for my graduation as I get my master's degree. Whenever I start dating someone, she isn't going to be able to meet him. Actually, whoever that special guy is won't have the pleasure of meeting my parents. It truly was a pleasure. I absolutely loved doing things with my parents. As I sit here in my favorite coffee shop, it was my Dad who loved this place too. He would give my sister and I money so we could go even if our Mom was complaining about how much money we were spending on coffee drinks. He'd sneak us a few bucks each and say, "Go get your coffee kiddos." To many others, Caribou Coffee is just another coffee shop. To me, it reminds me of my Dad. There is so much more to this place than just the drinks and the atmosphere. I picture my Dad sipping on his coffee, sitting there with a newspaper getting ready to crack a joke without breaking a smile. My Mom even came and visited me a couple times while I worked here. She was not a big coffee drinker, but I think as we got older she began to understood our obsession of coffee.

It feels physically impossible to fully understand the ramifications of losing both my parents within four years of each other. I do not have the people who loved me the most in this life. When I was younger and got a good grade in school, I would run in the doors and shout it at the rooftops and my parents would tell me how proud they were of me. Sometimes my Dad did not even have to say a word, I could tell how he felt by just a look he gave me. He was also a man who showed us how much he loved us by doing things for us. As little girls, my sister and I actually went shopping more with our Dad than our Mom. I felt so loved in this family. I still do, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying, but a family sure feels a lot different without the parents. I am trying to make sense of all of this. I'm trying to learn how to grieve in a healthy way for my Mom's passing, because I don't think I did much but shove it down into myself when my Dad passed away. In some ways, I feel like I'm grieving the loss of both of them.

People have told me how they think I'm strong. What does that mean to be strong when a parent (or both) passes away? I'm continuing on with my life the best way I know how. I'm still in classes and doing pretty well I think. I feel called to my counseling program and I love the classes and the people. I wasn't about to stop my classes. I certainly understand why other people would, but I did not want to. I'm making a new "normal." I'm trying not to isolate myself and I'm trying to build friendships. Everything in life is different. I'm trying to live while grieving. I'm glad I went to Columbus this weekend. Sometimes I feel stuck in Ashland, and I don't just mean physically. There is something about going to Columbus that helps me feel free. To be honest, I feel like guys find me attractive here. I don't get any feedback like that while in Ashland. Maybe it's because I live on a seminary campus, but it sure helps to be out and about around lots of people. There are lots of possibilities here (guys included). I wonder if I will move back here after graduated from Ashland. I have absolutely no idea where life is going to take me. I'm looking forward to the taking though. I need change, I need newness in my life. Onward I go.

Confronting my Worth

I've discovered that before I can really focus on my homework, I have to get out all the things that are floating around in my mind. I'm sitting in Starbucks while I write this. It's not Caribou, but it's the closest thing I have. I'm sure you'll begin to see my obsession with Caribou Coffee as you get to know me through my writings. Anyway, I'm eating a warm doughnut and a caramel machiatto. All my senses are engaged in glorious ways as I am writing this. It's a dark, dreary day, I'm feeling kind of blah, but I have a certain excitement in me for the things to come. I'm looking forward to this quarter ending, the cruise I'm going on at the end of the quarter, new interesting classes, my friend is moving in with me, then next year I'm going to be a Graduate Assistant in my counseling program and I start seeing clients. Those are only the big things coming up. There are a lot of smaller things that I'm looking forward to like finding a home church and really building a family of friends around me. I've begun that process, but I desire to have so many friends that I don't know what to do with myself. Part of that is getting out and meeting people and then the other part is building the relationship. If I don't know you well, I would like to!
I've really been taking a look at how I go about having friendships. I have realized that in many ways I have been a people pleaser. I haven't stood up to people when something they did bothered me. I just let it slide right by until it ends up under my skin. I've started to ask myself, why am I so afraid to stand up to people? Why am I so afraid of confrontation? Doesn't it make relationships stronger when you can deal with disagreements in a healthy way? To me, healthy means letting concerns be known and working through them. I think a lot of what I struggle with in relationships comes back to how I feel about myself. Am I important enough to bring up this concern? Do I have worth in this person's eyes? I really do care what people think, but it is to my detriment sometimes. It is the end of the world if not everyone likes me? No... it's not. I don't want people not to like me but if standing up for what I believe in and confronting people when I am being wronged means they won't, then so be it.
The word, "confrontation," is scary. I don't have many good images of what it looks like. For some reason, a cat fight between two girls pulling each other's hair out and scratching each other is what comes to mind. "He's mine!" "No, he's mine!" Etc. I certainly don't want that. I think confrontation can be gentle. It doesn't have to be scary at all. I've been known to run from confrontation and I know people who have. Maybe we should ask ourselves, why are we running? Wouldn't my relationship with this person be better if I listened to what they have to say? It's something to think about.

*Question for Guys*

One form of confrontation I've been thinking about lately is between guys and girls. I have a question for guys in general, but especially Christian guys, what are you thinking about when it comes to asking a girl out? What are the things that must be there in order for you to ask her out? How long do you wait before asking her out? Do you do it right away or do you wait to get to know her a bit? I have these questions because I've been talking to a lot of my female friends lately and most of us could use some input on how the mind of guys works in this area. I personally think guys are confusing in this area. Most of you guys are hard to read and you don't always ask girls out when you're interested. It would be so much easier if guys were clear about their intentions. I honestly think that in Christian dating circles, dating is way too overspiritualized. (To be clear, I use the term dating to mean dating with the purpose of marriage in mind) Of course, I believe it's important to follow God's guidance, but there comes a point where it's your choice to ask the girl out. Asking a girl out for coffee is not the same as proposing. There is entirely too much pressure there that does not need to be there.
I want to encourage guys to take the leap and ask the girl out. It's alright if she says no. There are so many amazing single girls out there that I wish guys would take the chance and get to know them. I'll include myself in that category. It's kind of hard to get to know guys sometimes and that's frustrating. I do have a question for the women as well...

*Question for the Ladies* (Men feel free too...)

Okay, so we desire a man to pursue us... but, what do we do when that's not happening? I personally am somewhat of a natural leader which means I have hard time waiting for a guy to make the move. When I want something to get done, or a relationship to happen in this case, I don't like leaving it in someone else's hands. I have asked guys out in the past and I don't necessarily see anything wrong with letting a guy know how you feel, but I want to be pursued. I want to be so intriguing to a young man that he can't hold back from pursuing me. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way. Being patient in this area is not my forte. I've been asking myself why. If I believe that God knows me, He knows my desires and He wants to give me the desires of my heart, why am I so impatient? Why do I carry the burden of having to say something or do something to get a relationship to happen? Maybe part of this impatience comes from being single for a little over 4 years now. Even before that I've had one official boyfriend for a short time.
I've never been with a significant other during Christmas, my birthday or really any other big holiday. I've never been in love. I desire these things a lot. I desire to be known by a man and to know him. I want to cook dinner for my man, bake him cookies, go on adventures, share stories, laughter and Christmas gifts. I desire these things so much that it's hard to be patient. I know I'm only 23, but people start dating as young as 13 these days. I know that's not serious at that age, but I've been in the dating scene for about 10 years. I feel like I've been desiring these things for a long time. I trust that it will happen, hopefully sooner than later, but it's hard waiting. I don't like not having control over an area in my life. It's a good thing God knows me better than I know myself and he knows my future husband. I love the idea of God writing my love story because then it will be better than anything I could have dreamed off myself.
One thing I want to reiterate for many single women out there, let's live our lives while we wait! I know having a husband (or boyfriend or really a prospect) is a huge desire, but there are so many things to do before that while we're single. Personally, I have been learning a ton about my identity and not letting it come from what other people think. I want to stand firm in who I am and not get all my self-worth from a man. My worth comes from the God who made me. That worth can never be taken away from me. I could talk forever on this topic, but I won't. I encourage men to ask women out, I encourage women to take a chance with a guy who may not have initially caught your attention and I encourage all of us to live each day at a time. I'm learning to be in the moment, the here and now. My future is not in my hands, but this moment is.

"13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the Earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139: 13-16

Working Through Everything

Hello blogging world!
I first put a post on here in July. I couldn't keep up with it back then and I didn't really desire to, but in the past few months I've discovered the wonder of typing out my thoughts. I've journaled before, but typing is much more effective. I have so much to say that my hand gets tired before I'm done writing it all. I've essentially been blogging but I was just saving what I wrote to my computer, not putting it online. I decided to post the workings of my mind online so that people can feel free to read them and put in their two cents. I've been working through a lot and I think it will be good to get it out of my mind onto "paper." I'm hoping I will be able to keep up with this and that people will enjoy reading it. Even if no one else reads it, I am enjoying writing it. Here are some ponderings of a girl figuring out how to navigate herself, her friends and family, seminary and her life in general. Let the day begin...