Guys and Not Dolls

Usually I have so much going on in my mind that it takes me a while to figure out where to start. Today, I talked to a lot of people so that helps me think through and process my thoughts so I don't have to write them down to get them out. Talking and writing are both good ways for me to process through what I am thinking. One big thing that has been going on is that I started a new workout program. I found a 12-week program on bodybuilding.com that seems really good. It has workouts and it also has helpful hints, recipes and ideas on how to eat healthy. It has been going well so far. Right now, my legs are quite sore. It's a good sore, but I have to hobble around a little bit. Oh, don't worry I'm not trying to become a body builder. That website has workouts for people like me who just want to lose fat and gain muscle. I definitely don't want to be massive or anything. I don't find body builders attractive. Sometimes those guys arms are as big as my torso! Yikes and gross all in one. I admire their determination and stamina... but it seems weird to be judged by how big your muscles are. I guess some people really like it though, whatever floats their boat. In that topic, my boat is wrecked and sinking. It certainly isn't floating, lol.
I guess one thing that is on my mind is a question about how guys act when they're somewhat interested in a girl. I don't want to say too much, but there is this guy that I'm wondering about. I haven't really talked to him much, but I catch him looking at me sometimes and so I try to smile and say hello but he generally just looks away. If he was interested, could this be a sign that he might be a little shy or something? Next time I'm going to just walk up close enough that he doesn't have a choice but to look and talk to me. haha. My question is then, what do guys generally do when they are interested in a woman? (Even if they haven't talked to her very much) The whole situation kind of makes me laugh. If I have to say the first word because he's too shy or whatever, I will. It's only a conversation, good grief! I refuse to ask a guy out anymore. I will only accept to be pursued by a man. Any input would be appreciated, especially from the guys.
Well, I have a couple weeks until my weekend classes start. I'm so happy I dropped this online class I was going to take. I need this time to rest. It has been a long year in just about every way imaginable. Classes ended, I went on the cruise, and then came back and summer classes started. I need more time than that. I did apply to a couple coffee shops in the area to pick up a job this summer, but I won't be disappointed if I don't get hired. It'd be nice, but it's been nice not working right now. I have the rest of my life to work. This is the summer to focus on myself, inside and out. I like to think of myself as a canvas that I can decorate however I desire and mostly that has just been about clothing. But, I've starting to think more about how my actual body is a canvas too. What I consume and put into it is important, as well as working out to keep it working the best it can. Exercise helps me feel better in every way, and I look better too. Along with exercise and eating healthy, I have some deeper issues to look at. My confidence and self-esteem really took a beating. It's so frustrating that there are images bombarding us everywhere we look telling us we have to look a certain way.
I believed those magazine ads and television shows for a long time. I thought that I needed to change to be more this, more that and less this and less that. You know what, I'm me. I'm Angela and this is how I am. I'm not petite, I have big feet and big hands. I have curves. I'm strong. I'm my own brand of femininity. Who says I have to be any different than what I am? Why should I listen to what culture says instead of what God says? To this culture, I am nothing, but to Him I am everything. I am beautiful because He made me and His image is in me. There is a wonderful quote in the book I'm reading called, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.

It says, "Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." (pg. 43)

Wow, this quote is amazing. I love soaking in the words. I don't need to change to fill society's standards. I hope this fills some of you with as much hope as it has for me. Welp, goodnight blogfriends! I'm gonna get back to eating my berries and whipped cream!

30 Random Factoids about Me

Hm, today I think I will write some random things about me. I don't know why, I guess just for fun. Here it goes...

1. I like the middle pieces of things like cake or brownies. Sometimes, when I bake something I will start by cutting out the middle so I can eat it. It's the best!

2. Looking at the sun makes me sneeze.

3. I really like crossword puzzles. I have yet to finish a Sudoku.

4. I really want to travel, specifically to South America. Anywhere down there is fine with me as long as I can practice my Spanish.

5. When I'm really comfortable around someone or with co-workers or something, I may start singing around you without really noticing it. Oopsies!

6. I love being around people. I love hearing stories, experiences and just getting to know people. It's wonderful.

7. I want to learn how to play the guitar, drums and I want to sing in a choir again!

8. I laugh at just about anything. It doesn't take much to make me laugh. Maybe my sense of humor is somewhat strange. hehe.

9. I LOVE vegetables! I also love fruits and stuff, but I was never a difficult child to get to eat my veggies. I heart salads, stir-frys, veggies and dip, you name it.

10. The only food I know I don't like is olives. I will try just about anything though. I'm all for trying new things. I don't particularly care for anything that can look back or me or if there are suction cups involved. No thanks.

11. For some reason I really like guys with brown hair and brown eyes. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that I also have brown hair and eyes. I like guys with all different looks but those really catch my eye.

12. Also, any guy who can wear cowboy boots and those jeans... phew, get ready to catch me when I get weak at the knees. I like to think I'm a city girl with a bit of country in there too.

13. Another thing that makes me go weak at the knees is cologne. Sometimes when I'm shopping getting my deoderant or shampoo, I'll go in the guys section and smell the scents. They smell so good!

14. Some of my pet peeves are when you're talking to someone but they're not really listening. They're just thinking of what to say next and may even interrupt you. When a guy is interested in a girl but doesn't do anything about it and it creates this annoying game that leaves the girl really confused. When people don't wash their hands after using the restroom. In public restaurants, I see the sign that says, "Employees must wash their hands." My thought is that they better be washing their hands and so should everyone else! Why do we even need to hang this sign? People should be doing that anyway. I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think of for now.

15. Coffee. Done.

16. Whenever I see an inanimate object, I like to think about what kind of voice it would have if it could talk. For example, my car's name is Carlos (he's a boy, he's a car and he speaks Spanish, don't judge), I think I know how he would sound if he could talk. Vamonos todos!

17. I wuv my family and I say it just like that. Wuv not love :)

18. If I could be anywhere on the Earth, it would almost always be on a beach somewhere. I don't really like going too far into the water though, there's too much weirdo stuff in there. Creepy crawlies! It sure is pretty though!

19. I want to get married and have kids someday. I hope I have twins! That would be so great! My own little twinsies! I would never give them rhyming names though, ick!

20. I've asked guys out before, I can be more ballsy that guys sometimes. I haven't for quite a while and I actually prefer not to, but I've done it. I've even gotten myself asked out on accident before, haha.

21. I like having straight hair. I don't do anything to it, it's just straight. I'm going to sit in my straight hair glory. I don't use millions of products or straighteners, actually most of the time I don't even use a hair dryer. Sometimes I wish my hair would curl a little easier.

22. I colored my hair for the first time this year. It was exhilirating! Not quite sure why, I sat under a heater thing looking like an extraterrestrial being, but it was!

23. I got my nose pierced when I was studying abroad in Spain, but took it out to look more "professional." I miss it!

24. I do not have any tattoos and I don't think I'd ever get one. I'm not against them by any means, but they're a bit too permanent for me.

25. I've moved three times in the past year. I'm not moving again until I graduate because heaven knows I can't stay here! I feel too restricted in such a small town. There's too much to see, too much to do, so much life to be lived to stay in such a small town. God help me if I fall in love with a country boy. I always say that if I can get to a coffee shop and mall within a decent amount of time I should be alright. With that said, I'm pretty willing to do whatever and go wherever I'm called. I always thought it would be amazing to live in a house like in the movie, "The Notebook." The one that the guy builds for the girl. I can't remember their names. It's so beautiful.

26. I go to seminary and I love Jesus. I don't know why I waited until number 26 to say that since it's rather important, but yeah.

27. I like pretty much most music except anything where screaming is involved and I don't really like rap or R & B. I would like to write my own songs someday, that would be cool.

28. Singing karaoke is really fun, so is country line dancing and salsa dancing. I've also been swing dancing once. I enjoy dancing and singing a lot!

29. I used to be really self-conscious of my big feet. Size 10 ladies and gentlemen. But, now that I've gotten older I appreciate how much they look like my Dad's feet. I have a little (well, not so little) part of him with me. My smile could probably be attributed to my Mom. I carry them with me.

30. I am going to be an aunt again! (Please pray for a healthy Mom and baby!) A little girl is on her way to grace us with her presence. I can't wait to hold her, sing to her and tell her how much I love her. I want to tell her how beautiful she is, how precious she is and wonderful she is as well. Glory be!

Well, there are 30 interesting factoids about me and these don't really even scratch the surface. I have a lot to say, a lot to give, and a lot to learn. I also want to listen, receive and teach. Life is rediculously hard, but there is so much left! There is so much hope for the future! Live! Dream! Soar!

Be my King

Tonight was so refreshing. I went to Dr. Wardle's small group and met new friends, talked to some people I already knew a little bit and sat in front of a campfire. I needed that badly. I needed to be around people who are going through similar things. I was encouraged and inspired by some of the stories told there. I've been alone too much lately and it can get difficult when people aren't around to tell you it's going to be okay. I got a dose of reality and of love tonight. Thank you Lord for community. I realized today that some of my posts may have people worried about me. I do want to clarify that I do love myself. I may be unhappy with certain things here or there, but I wouldn't change who I am for anything. In my last post, I was having a rough time. I feel better right now after being around people who care about me and I about them. Some things seem so much worse when you're by yourself. At least, it can get that way for me.

I realized tonight that God, I'm desperate for you more than anything else. I need you to love me, to heal me, to guide me. This is a rough season of life and I need you right now. I haven't made much time for you, but thankfully you still seek me anyway. I feel kind of unsure in a lot of ways. I need some direction. Fill me with your peace, your strength and courage. Show me my purpose here in this place and time, even if it's just a little crumb for me to follow.

Psalm 5: 1-2 "1 Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. 2 Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray."

Here is my lament:

My heart and soul ache, my parents are gone. I can't go visit them whenever I want to. My Dad isn't around to tell stories to my kids when I have them. My Mom isn't here to bake cookies with us. The people who loved me the most in this world are gone. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to grieve. Sometimes moving from my bed to the couch is all I can do. I don't want to be stuck like this forever. I know things will get better, but right now, it's tough. Things are coming up along with grieving like meeting a guy, how I feel about myself, meeting more friends in general, finding a church, possibly getting a job this summer. I'm questioning things about God that I believed before to make sure I know what I believe and why I do. So many things are getting stirred up in me right now. I feel pulled in all directions at once while at the same time not being pulled in any. It's confusing, it's messy and it's hard. I don't know if this makes sense. It doesn't to me a lot of the time. It makes my head hurt, my heart and body hurt as well. I didn't want my life to be like this right now. There are so many good things going for me, but they are overshadowed by the immense loss I am facing. How do people do this? How am I supposed to get through this? How do I swim when grief is pulling me under the surface? Jesus, will you grab me and never let me go? I can't do this alone. Be my refuge, Lord, be my King as I am your daughter. Amen.

To be lovely

I haven't left my apartment today. There's a pile of used tissues sitting on the floor next to me. An empty mug sitting on my coffee table. Chamomile tea. Dresses are hanging in the opening between the kitchen and living room. It's still messy. I still have to unpack from my vacation. I'm recovering from a cold. I haven't had much energy until a couple hours ago when I made a delicious, healthy dinner which consisted of cilanto lime and garlic chicken, wild rice, green beans and a salad with fresh basil, tomato, fresh mozzarella, purple onion, olive oil and vinegar. I decided that I am going to lose weight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and being unhappy. It was a big wake up call when I saw all those fit girls on the cruise and then saw myself. So much has happened recently that I haven't even taken time to really look in the mirror until now. How did I get here? How did I gain 40-50 lbs over a period of 4 years? I'm ready to change. I want to be happy with how I look... but I don't want to concentrate this post completely on that.
I'm not really sure what is on my mind right now. I'm hurting, I miss my Mom a lot. I'm looking forward to potential trips this summer. I'm looking forward to getting in shape. I'm looking forward to having my friend move in with me. I'm looking forward to building friendships, ones I already have and building new ones. I'm looking forward to being the best me that I possibly can on the inside and out. Why is it so much easier to see beauty in other people than in yourself? I don't look at other peoples weight, but I notice my own. My self-esteem has really taken a beating. I'm nowhere near as confident as I used to be. I used to turn heads when I walked into a room. I don't anymore. Not that I have to turn heads, but it was nice. My friends used to say, "We can't take Angela anywhere!" Guys would talk to me a lot... that hasn't happened in a while. I'm not sure if it's because I've gained weight or lost my confidence, or both. I want my confidence back regardless of what I look like.
God, please give me confidence. Help me love myself the way you love me. Help me love myself no matter what I look like. Help me get in shape and eat healthy. I want to feel beautiful. It's been a long time since I have. I didn't realize how deep these feelings go. I'm gonna be me, no matter what that is. I'm lovely the way that I am, no matter what size I am. The man for me will find me lovely how I am, but I want to lose weight and get healthy for me. I want to be attractive to men but this is for me. I'm ready. Let's do this one step at a time. I want to be a new creation in every way. Let's go...

BelovedMe Please

My laundry is just about done. My bags are just about packed. Vacation is almost here. I've been running around all day getting things together. I've been trying to clean a bit, but my apartment is still a mess. I still need to iron a couple dresses. I finally turned in my last assignment even though it was a bit late, it was turned in. I am free. I do not have to think about anything for the next week except about what I want to eat or how long I want to sit on the beach. This is a much-needed vacation! I haven't been to the beach in a few years now. I've never been on a cruise. There's a first time for everything, that's for sure! I'm so excited, I can hardly contain my squealing. I need to get away and just be. Get away from distractions, homework and all of that stuff. I want to go sit in the sunshine that is so bright it is soul-healing. I need it. I want to leave all my fears, worries, and concerns behind. I want to be recharged for a great summer.

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I started making a list of everything I want to do. I want to go to Chicago since I've never been there. I want to take guitar lessons and maybe even drum lessons. I want to grow with God as well as find a church I can call home. I also want to lose weight and get in shape. These past four years have been really hard and I have my waistline to show for it. I'm learning to separate food from my emotions but it's not easy. I'm used to celebrating by eating deliciousness and also eating when I'm sad. Ice cream and desserts make my heart feel better emotionally, but not physically. I'm ready to have the body I've always wanted, but I'm trying to love myself no matter what. It's not easy when our culture says you have to look a certain way or you won't be attractive to guys. Or that if you don't look a certain way then you're not important or worthy. Stupid culture. There's this struggle with loving myself no matter what and wanting to be thin so I'll be more attractive. It's hard to kick something that has been so ingrained in me.

I bought the book, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge to read over vacation and this summer. I started reading it a few years ago and lost it, but I want to read it with a fresh pair of eyes. The premise behind the book is that every woman desires to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure and to be the Beauty of a story. Wow, I desire those things with all of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I will be the Beauty of a story? Is a guy going to be so wooed by me that I will have an irreplaceable role in an adventure with him? I'm kind of overweight, will a guy still love me and find me attractive? I want more than anything in the world to be captivating. To be the woman who God made me to be.

This reminds me of a guy in one of my classes. I say guy, but he's probably 30-40 years older than me. He was telling us about how he has a picture of his wife on his desk of when she was a little girl. You may think that seems strange, why would he have an old picture of his wife when she was little? Well, it is because looking at that picture reminds him to be the husband that his wife dreamed about when she was young. He wants to be the man she dreamt of being in an adventure with. The man who was captivated by her beauty and still is.

In my Foundations of Bible Study class, we studied Mark 1-8. There was one part that stood out to me one day when we were going over our assignments. In Mark 5:25-34, there was a woman who was hemorraging for 12 years. She tried many doctors and treatments but nothing helped her. In her culture, she would have been considered unclean. No one would have been able to touch her and no one would have wanted her to touch them. She could not just go into a crowd of people, but she did when she knew that Jesus would be there. Plus, she was a woman so she had even lower standing in the culture. She went into the crowd and touched Jesus' cloak. Jesus did not tell her to get away, but he greeted her with an intimate word. He called her, "daughter" and he healed her. He did not see that she was "unclean." By healing her physically, he probably also healed her emotionally, spiritually and in every way. He brought her out of her shame and loneliness. She no longer needed to be an outcast. She no longer needed to yell, "Unclean!" when going into town. He took that horrible identity that was placed on her away. He did not just say, "woman" or "friend." He called her, "daughter."

The thing is I am a daughter of Jesus too. He doesn't just see me as "unclean" either. That is powerful. I don't need to stay in shame or in an identity that culture puts on me. Sometimes it seems like people who are overweight or obese are seen like "unclean" people were back then. Some people pay so much attention to outside appearance, that they don't have anything to do with people who struggle with their weight. It sure is a good thing that God looks at the heart. He doesn't just look at the outside like our culture does. That's not to say that God doesn't care about our outward appearance. He cares that we take care of ourselves, but he doesn't only look at our outward appearance.

1 Samuel 16:7 "... the Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

The mirror does not define me. God, please work on the inside of me so that I can work on the outside. Maybe the next cruise I go on, I'll be a new woman on the inside and out. I won't be on here for a week. I'm going to miss it... but the beach is worth it. I'm learning how to be loved and how to love myself. It's a lifelong journey. BelovedMe, please.

Her Dancing Doll

Have you ever looked at yourself? I don't just mean looking in a mirror at your physical self, but have you truly looked at your thoughts, beliefs, actions and assumptions? Have you looked at what you tell yourself about the things that have happened or are happening in your life? Have you ever thought about your life being like a story? Well, I've been doing lots of these things. I'm learning what my story is, how I have written it and how others have written it for me whether I wanted them to or not. We were asked a question in class a couple days ago and my professor basically said, "Have you ever had anyone speak an identity into your life that you did not want to be there?" Have people told you things when you were young that you still carry with you as an adult? For me, being a twin has been a wonderful thing and I love my twin sister more than anything in the world, but growing up people always clumped us as "the twins." It was never Angela and Gina as two separate women. It felt as though people saw us as the same person. I'm still learning what it means to be Angela as a woman apart from being just a twin. I would never trade my relationship with my sister for anything, but it has had a big impact on who I am, what I think about myself and how I think others view me.

Being a twin is a really unique thing but then again, it doesn't feel unique because there is someone who looks like me, sounds like me and has similar tastes and interests. We were a lot more similar when we were younger. We even sometimes were interested in the same men. We are much more different now. It is funny though how we are both going into the professional helping fields as nurse and counselor. We are both growing and learning about how to be individuals. When people ask me what it's like to be a twin, I say well, what's it like to be singular? I have a built in friend. I had a play partner growing up. We had two invisible friends that we played with instead of one. We each wanted one. We share a birthday, we share our tremendously fabulous good looks ;), and we share many other things. We are two separate people that are better together. There is no one else that I can be as silly and weird with. We get each other. We have "twin time" every couple weeks or so when we visit each other.

A beautiful story our Mom used to tell was that when she was little she had this dancing doll that was her favorite toy. She loved that doll and she was trying to help someone by letting them play with the doll and somehow she never saw it again. She did not know what happened to that doll. Then many years later after my older brother and sister were born, my parents decided to have another baby. Unbeknownst to them, another baby was going to be another set of twins. Two baby girls, two dancing dolls. My Mom said that we are her double portion, her dancing dolls. She may have never found that doll she lost when she was little but she received two real life ones.

Two little twin girls. Two different people that look alike. Two different women that seem alike in a lot of ways, but are separate. Our Mom delighted in both of us. To her I was Angewa (The w is intentional) and Gina was her wittle Genie girwee. She even called herself Momeo Swameo. We went to churchy churchy choo choo on Sunday mornings together. We ate break-fee-fast together often. We were her "girlies." She taught us how to cook and bake. The smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies always brings memories to mind of being in the kitchen with my Mom and sisters. Eating the dough was my favorite part. My Mom taught me how to love and receive love. She told me how I beautiful I was. She was for me. For us. She was our advocate when we were powerless. I cannot even begin to come up with words to tell her how thankful I am for her. I told her how much I love her and appreciate her before she passed away. She taught me what it is to be a Mom. She got me to a point where I can make it without her. She was a fighter through all her health problems, she is an example of perseverence. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had Janice Marie as my Mommy. I, Angela Marie, have a legacy to carry. I am going to continue the path of love that my Mom started and I will pass on the love to my children and grandchildren.

Mommy, I love you. You will never be forgotten. I can hear your voice and your laugh. I can picture your smile. I can feel your love. I know how proud you are of me. I know you had the best in mind for me. You fought for me when I could not do that for myself. You told me the truth, you challenged me. You encouraged me and filled me with hope. I wonder what it will be like to see you again. I am going to live my life, but I look forward to being reunited with you and Daddy and Ashley. Thank you for watching over me. I'm forever your daughter. I'm forever Angela, your dancing doll. Thank you for showing me what it means to love with everything you are. When I look at myself, I see you. Thank you for helping me become the person I am. See you in eternity.