Her Dancing Doll

Have you ever looked at yourself? I don't just mean looking in a mirror at your physical self, but have you truly looked at your thoughts, beliefs, actions and assumptions? Have you looked at what you tell yourself about the things that have happened or are happening in your life? Have you ever thought about your life being like a story? Well, I've been doing lots of these things. I'm learning what my story is, how I have written it and how others have written it for me whether I wanted them to or not. We were asked a question in class a couple days ago and my professor basically said, "Have you ever had anyone speak an identity into your life that you did not want to be there?" Have people told you things when you were young that you still carry with you as an adult? For me, being a twin has been a wonderful thing and I love my twin sister more than anything in the world, but growing up people always clumped us as "the twins." It was never Angela and Gina as two separate women. It felt as though people saw us as the same person. I'm still learning what it means to be Angela as a woman apart from being just a twin. I would never trade my relationship with my sister for anything, but it has had a big impact on who I am, what I think about myself and how I think others view me.

Being a twin is a really unique thing but then again, it doesn't feel unique because there is someone who looks like me, sounds like me and has similar tastes and interests. We were a lot more similar when we were younger. We even sometimes were interested in the same men. We are much more different now. It is funny though how we are both going into the professional helping fields as nurse and counselor. We are both growing and learning about how to be individuals. When people ask me what it's like to be a twin, I say well, what's it like to be singular? I have a built in friend. I had a play partner growing up. We had two invisible friends that we played with instead of one. We each wanted one. We share a birthday, we share our tremendously fabulous good looks ;), and we share many other things. We are two separate people that are better together. There is no one else that I can be as silly and weird with. We get each other. We have "twin time" every couple weeks or so when we visit each other.

A beautiful story our Mom used to tell was that when she was little she had this dancing doll that was her favorite toy. She loved that doll and she was trying to help someone by letting them play with the doll and somehow she never saw it again. She did not know what happened to that doll. Then many years later after my older brother and sister were born, my parents decided to have another baby. Unbeknownst to them, another baby was going to be another set of twins. Two baby girls, two dancing dolls. My Mom said that we are her double portion, her dancing dolls. She may have never found that doll she lost when she was little but she received two real life ones.

Two little twin girls. Two different people that look alike. Two different women that seem alike in a lot of ways, but are separate. Our Mom delighted in both of us. To her I was Angewa (The w is intentional) and Gina was her wittle Genie girwee. She even called herself Momeo Swameo. We went to churchy churchy choo choo on Sunday mornings together. We ate break-fee-fast together often. We were her "girlies." She taught us how to cook and bake. The smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies always brings memories to mind of being in the kitchen with my Mom and sisters. Eating the dough was my favorite part. My Mom taught me how to love and receive love. She told me how I beautiful I was. She was for me. For us. She was our advocate when we were powerless. I cannot even begin to come up with words to tell her how thankful I am for her. I told her how much I love her and appreciate her before she passed away. She taught me what it is to be a Mom. She got me to a point where I can make it without her. She was a fighter through all her health problems, she is an example of perseverence. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had Janice Marie as my Mommy. I, Angela Marie, have a legacy to carry. I am going to continue the path of love that my Mom started and I will pass on the love to my children and grandchildren.

Mommy, I love you. You will never be forgotten. I can hear your voice and your laugh. I can picture your smile. I can feel your love. I know how proud you are of me. I know you had the best in mind for me. You fought for me when I could not do that for myself. You told me the truth, you challenged me. You encouraged me and filled me with hope. I wonder what it will be like to see you again. I am going to live my life, but I look forward to being reunited with you and Daddy and Ashley. Thank you for watching over me. I'm forever your daughter. I'm forever Angela, your dancing doll. Thank you for showing me what it means to love with everything you are. When I look at myself, I see you. Thank you for helping me become the person I am. See you in eternity.